Halley’s Comet Returns!

[Note: The author of this piece failed to reach his normal deadline, and as a result panicked and wrote about the first science story he could find on Yahoo. He would like to apologize to the families of those he hurt trying to get this to the editor; they did not deserve what happened to them. Also, f*ck you, Yahoo. Try not to be a second-rate Google, you hacks. You're the TMZ of search engines. The following re-edit has been printed in hopes that it will, as my editor put it, "Shame me into looking at the god damn calendar."]

Scientists and astro-enthusiasts alike are hailing the return of Halley’s comet, the only comet that can be seen twice in a human lifetime. It’s also the only comet named after a dude who’s name sounds like a girl I knew in high school. [Edit: Sorry, her name was "Haley"] The comet swings by earth every 76 years, so if you saw it when you were a kid, like I did, you can see it again when you are old. [Edit: So, you are acknowledging that this happened once before in your lifetime? Are you older than 76? No, you're 35.]

Now, while this is an amazing occurrence, because really, how many of us have seen a comet with our own eyes? but I would think this whole thing would be taking a back seat to the shuttle disaster. I mean, 7 astronauts lost their lives, it seems a little tacky to be talking about space at a time like this. I mean, how did they even have an accident? I thought the shuttle’s weren’t going up any more, and now they’ve blown one up. [Edit: Okay, you clearly mistook a Wikipedia entry for a news article from 1986. When we're done, how about a 300 word article on why I don't fire you?]

[Dietle: You can't fire me, that would be discrimination.]

[Edit: Are you seriously arguing this in the body of your "article"? And no, stupid is not a disability.]

[Dietle: No, your stupid!]

[Edit: Nice typo, idiot. We ran out of article.]