Gun-Toting Paraplegics, America’s New Biggest Threat

The 2^nd amendment. The one about guns. Some people think it should go untouched and should never be restricted. Others believe that guns should not be allowed in to the hands of certain shady or just untrustworthy individuals. Either way you look at it, we should all be able to come to some kind of agreement where we all, well, agree that people in breathing tube operated wheelchairs really shouldn’t have guns. It’s just one of those ideas in life that just seems wrong right from the start.

Except for people in New Jersey. Goddamn New Jersey.

Some 30 years ago, James Cap became paralyzed after breaking his neck during a high school football game. After finding out that he would be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, a deep sadness set within James’ heart as he knew that he would never again be able to take part in his most favorite hobby, hunting. While all of James’ childhood friends were out having a merry old time blowing the heads of deer, James could do nothing but sit by his window watching everyone have fun.

But that was 30 years ago. Times have changed, and the technology that helps the paraplegic has evolved. Last year, James applied for his firearms I.D., only to have his application rejected by the Manville’s police chief, citing safety concerns as the reason for rejection.

James, being a red, white, and blue-blooded American, felt that it was his patriotic duty to have a gun, regardless of how useless his limbs were. So James did the only American thing there was left to do — he took his case to court.

On Tuesday, the Judge deemed it A-Okay for James to get his firearms I.D., as long as he was under the supervision and guidance of “qualified people.”

Now with his I.D. in hand, James plans to head out there and shoot the shit out of some wildlife. But, of course, this raises the question of, how will James fire the weapon if he has no use of his limbs? Well, the New York Times article this story comes from answers that with a pretty crazy sentence:

“He plans to mount the gun on his wheelchair and operate it with a breathing tube.”

What if he yawns? You can’t stop a yawn. Nor will you be able to stop his yawn induced massacre. And hiccups? Forget about it. Everyone on the firing range is dead. What if he finds that he loves murder? What if he starts laughing while he’s shooting? His constant laughter would act as a rapid fire trigger finger that wouldn’t stop until he ran out of breath or emptied his clip in to the mass of humanity before him.