Graduate School: An FAQ For Morons

I write this the day before I take my capstone examination for my master’s degree in film. This will be the culmination of five years and roughly a Lexus’ worth of money to obtain a graduate degree. Five long years of toil, working on student productions, working temp jobs, eating Ramen, and stumbling onto a much more financially and emotionally rewarding career that my degree is absolutely pointless in; you know, just like the equally useless undergraduate degree in theater.

Nonetheless, departing graduate school is a time of change and loss. Eagerly anticipated loss, actually. Because now I don’t have to deal with ignorant idiots anymore. Seriously, the amount of idiocy I deal with is staggering.

So, as a public service to graduate students everywhere, I’ve assembled a brief FAQ for the morons who don’t seem to comprehend what a graduate education is.

“Why are my tax dollars paying for your education?”

Actually, as a general rule, they’re not paying for graduate students. Graduate students instead live using a novel economic model called “slavery”. Either they work for the institution providing them the graduate degree for virtually nothing, or they work crappy temp jobs, since getting an actual permanent job is out of the question, that regularly fire them at short notice for financial reasons. Both involve eating a lot of Ramen, selling your bodily fluids, as well as living through the intense, sometimes grotesque, side effects of selling your body for scientific research in exchange for enough cash to purchase more Ramen.

“Why don’t you study something useful?”

Invariably the person asking this question has a high school diploma, never even thought about going to college, and likes to whine about being overtaxed while collecting government benefits of some form.

“I’m sure that’ll make you a lot of money?”

I enjoy these the most. Especially the days when I was looking for a job, taking any side gigs I could find, always keeping a roof over my head, some corporate peon was always happy to see that and weigh in with a little joke about how all graduate students are shiftless bums.

Then they wonder why artists always depict corporate peons as smug ignorant douchebags.

Of course, inevitably, these losers apply for law school. Really, guy? Another lawyer? What’s you’re contribution to the flooded world of lawyer-ing going to be? Are you going to to be the Christopher Columbus of law? Are you going to discover a whole new branch of society that previously hasn’t been defiled by bloodthirsty sharks?

Why don’t you study something useful?

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