Google Trends = Bullshit

As we mention so very often, we have no ideas of our own.  So, like all bloggers who have no ideas, we go to Google Trends to inspire us to write something.  If you’re searching for it, we’ll write about it in the hopes you’ll continue to search for it and then find it on our site.  One day people will ideally be searching for “big ass nuts” and “Funnycrave” and just come to our site all the time, because that’s what we’re all about (see last July’s Big Ass Nuts Extravaganza, Big Ass Nuts and You, What if Oprah Winfrey Had Big Ass Nuts, How to Manage Big Ass Nuts and My, Those are Some Big Ass Nuts for further details).

Anyway, today on Google Trends at about 9 in the am EST, there was something stunning afoot, and it was a solid 40 entries of bullshit.  No one searched for any of those terms, not really.  Look what’s on the list.  Candace fucking Cameron?  From Full House?  Everyone who starred on Full House has been dead for like 10 years.  Tragic yet hilarious bus crash.  And chipotle? Like the fucking pepper?  Like early this morning the internet was abuzz with people searching for Candace Cameron news and the current word on chipotle peppers?  That never happened.  I promise you, that never happened.

But, lest you get suckered in like the entire FunnyCrave staff (our CEO has been locked in the executive bathroom ever since he heard about the NASA moon bombing, whatever the fuck that is) we’ll break down just what Trends are all about this morning, without ever actually clicking any of the links, because who the hell would actually click a link about Candace Cameron?  Candace Cameron wouldn’t even click on that.

1. Herta Muller – This is a kind of scrotum hematoma
2. Candace Cameron Bure – In the news again because her face was seen in a mince pie
3. Dish network customer service – Dish network killed a man over the phone. Weird
4. Meleanie Hain – Different kind of scrotal hematoma
5. Lauren Tewes – The inventor of chipotle peppers
6. Chipotle – The name of Paris Hilton’s vagina
7. Nobel prize literature 2009 – Throwaway search by people who want it in their Google bar when friends use their computer so they look smart.
8. Wanda Sykes wife – Redirects to a Jackee Harry fan page.
9. Brawley Nolte – a drink made from rum, vodka, Lysol and mint
10. Bo Jackson elite sports complex – cool slang name for the welfare office
11. Conservapedia – Finnish word for sodomy
12. Mandisa weight loss – Mandisa isn’t fat any more
13. Nasa moon bombing – Fuck, Nasa got rid of the moon yesterday
14. He’s a gem that remains forever in blue jeans – gay porn
15. Security tool virus removal – gay porn
16. Eigenharp – 16^th century German acrobat
17. Umuc – the sound you make when your doctor confirms it’s herpes
18. Giuliana Rancic pregnant – Codename for the new A-Team movie
19. Billy Mays – confirmation that he is indeed still not alive
20. Landseer Newfoundland – The greatest hero in American history, once killed a bear with someone else bare hands.
21. CWU – the sound your significant other makes when you confirm it’s herpes
22. glee episode 6 – I dunno, some kinda TV show
23. the ultimate fighter season 10 episode 4 – the name of Penn Gillette’s new baby
24. Jonathan Escobar – President of Guatemala
25. Lolo Jones – fabled midget wrestler of the 1970’s who faked his own death
26. Acu rite wireless digital cooking and barbecue thermometer – weak attempt at product placement and artificial buzz generation
27. Isaiah 1 18 – “Thou shalt not download German fisting videos”
28. Levi Johnston photos – ironically, photos of Eugene Levy
29. The boy who harnessed the wind – that kid from the 6^th Sense
30. Irving Penn – Founder of Pennsylvania
31. Shannon Brown – Founder of brown
32. Dinamalar Bhuvaneswari – The sound you make when the doctor says he wishes he could tell you it was herpes
33. Umami – Japanese game show based around painful humiliations
34. Lcross – lacrosse for the illiterate
35. Google flu – the most nefarious of all computer viruses
36. Secret Girlfriend – another name for World of Warcraft
37. Gypsy girl – will steal your children
38. Garth Brooks – interviewed by CNN after seeing Candace Cameron’s face in a mince pie
39. Alexis Krause – caught on tape beating an elderly haberdasher
40. Butterface – big run on people googling ugly women , apparently.