GM’s Fire Sale: A Guide To Buying A New Saturn

On December 23^rd, GM sent letters to all of its dealships nationwide. “We gotta get rid of the damn Saturns,” the letter said. “Them bastards are burning holes in our pockets.” With that, GM set their plan in motion. They would pay the dealers $7,000 for every car they moved off the lot. Sounds like a winning plan. One that thousands may even been willing to partake in. But, of course, this raises some serious questions for prospective buyers like, which Saturn should I buy? And, which one best matches my absent testicles? It is these questions that we are going to try to answer for you today.

Below is a list of the 4 vehicles Saturn currently offers, accompanied by a short description of the type of person that would normally purchase each car. If you find a description that matches your personality, go buy that car immediately so you can be the first on your block drive around in a physical manifestation of their own sadness.

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Vue

This compact crossover is a perfect fit for anyone seeking to bang one of the mothers of their children’s soccer teammates. Its roomy interior can be made even roomier with its standard fold-down seating, which is perfect for getting in a quick lay while your wife cheers on your daughters in the stands.

Sky Roadster

While most finically well-off middle aged men buy vintage mustangs or expensive European cars when they go through their mid-life crisis, your managerial position at the local Clam Trap, the premier spot for chicken wings and bare breasts in the county, has bestowed you with a fortune usually reserved for only the most chic copy machine supply company middle managers.

If ever there were an automobile that screamed “This is as close as I’ll ever get to a Ferrari in my life,” the Sky is it.

Aura Mid-Sized Sports Sedan

If you’ve ever parked next to a Mercedes and wondered, “If only there were a less expensive, far less reliable American version of that baby, I’d snatch it up in a second,” then the Aura is more your flavor.

Its trunk space is roomy enough to adequately accommodate the mutilated bodies of your 7 managers. And it’s onboard GPS system will make finding a secluded location on the outskirts of town a breeze.

Astra Sport Compact

If you think Jeff Dunham is the riskiest, ballsiest comedian out there, then the Astra is for you. If you think Nickelback is “the most hardcore band ever,” then the Astra is for you. If own any products with the word “Body Spray” on them, then the Astra sport compact is for you. If you think adding the word “sport” to the name of a car makes it kind of dangerous and radical, you’re an idiot…and the Astra Sport Compact is for you.