Get Russian Baby Placentas Rubbed On Your Face For $272

Damn, we write about placentas a lot. Probably because humans keep turning them in to rejuvenation smoothies or crafting them in to children’s play things or a bunch of weird shit that isn’t just tossing it in to a medical waste bin.

Today’s creative usage for a placenta comes to us from that magical land of opulence known as Dubai. In Dubai, people have become so rich and, apparently, so haggard, that they have been forced to spend up to $272 for a procedure that sounds like it was pulled straight out of Ralph Nader’s nightmares: rich people are smearing the placenta’s of poor Russian babies on their faces.

The Russian baby placentas were obtained legally and they were given up willingly. The creators of the placenta cream want to assure you that no un-wed Russian mothers woke up in a tub of ice wondering where they put their placenta.

While there is no scientific evidence to support the idea of rubbing human innards on your face as a means of facial rejuvenation, that hasn’t stopped celebrates from partaking in the act that Elizabeth Bathory would have been proud of. Everyone from Simon Cowell to Jennifer Lopez to Victoria Beckham has been rubbing a baby’s temporary home on their faces.

If you’re wondering what the next big beautifying agent or procedure will be, we, with no scientific training whatsoever, suggest a new treatment that we like to call “Tauntauning.” Inspired by the famous scene in The Empire Strikes Back where Han cuts open a Tauntaun and crams Luke inside of it, this age defying treatment requires a person to slice open the belly of living creature and sleep within its carcass for an extended period of time, or until a Snowspeeder picks you up to take you back to the rebel base.