Germans Stink! Spaniards Can Go All Night! New Sex Poll Released!

Research website OnePoll.com has finally released its results for the all important “Which country is the worst at sex?” survey. The results are not very surprising, but the reasons for the results are quite illuminating.

Germans, what with their propensity for pooping on one another during sex, now have been officially given the title of “The world’s worst lovers” due to the fact that they are “too smelly.” The Swedish apparently have a collective premature ejaculation problem, and Greek men are too “soppy.” We had no idea men from Greece had vaginas, let alone did we know that their male vaginas had a tendency to get too wet from all the pleasure. (Actually, it means they are too lovey-dovey and cutesy-wootsy…pussies, in other words. We weren’t so wrong after all).

Other dishonorable distinctions include Turkish men because they sweat like the goats they herd, Scottish men because of their obnoxious mid-coitus screams, and Welsh men because after they climax they just walk out of the room and never return. In the eyes of Welsh males sex is done the moment they cum.

The poll also ranked the world’s best lovers. Spain is ranked number one; men from Demark (Denmarkians?) were, surprisingly, in the number nine position, which is weird because, c’mon, fucking Demark? And Canadians came in at number ten because when your only major exports are maple syrup and comedians that Americans think are American, you’ve gotta set yourself apart from the North American herd somehow.

Oh, and “Where’s America placed?” you ask? American males are wedged between the nothing-note-worthiness of Holland (the Hollish?) and the sopping pussies of Greece on the worst lovers list. It appears that American males are a tad too rough in the sack. You’d never guess that when you watch American porn that involves engaging a woman in the classic doggy position as her face is being stuffed in to a toilet bowl by the man’s foot.