Georgia Man Shoves Whole Chicken In To His Pants In a Walmart, Somehow Gets CaughtBy Luis Prada
We’ve all shoplifted a time or two in our lives. But there’s a good chance none of us have attempted to cram cooked poultry in our pants. That’s just what Georgia’s own Joseph Lee Stringer, 27, did.
While perusing the aisle of his local Wal-Mart, Joseph noticed a rotisserie chicken that would fit snuggly in to his stomach. So, he fit it snuggly in to his pants. After that, he saw some raw chicken that would be good for a later date. He managed to fit a whole, pre-cooked chicken in his pants, so Joseph decided to test the carrying capacity of his Levis and Jockeys. He crammed the raw chicken in. After cramming in two types of chicken, Joseph realized eating all that chicken would do a number on his teeth; so he crammed two toothbrushes in his pants as well. And then, after realizing that chicken eating is a rough, combative sport filled with errantly tossed elbows and the occasional brutal kick to the face, he crammed two mouth guards in to this pants to accompany the chicken and toothbrushes.
The exact reason as to why he filled his pants with these exact items is unclear, and will probably remain so. But I’m left to wonder exactly what he would have done with them all? I like to imagine Joseph has a underground cock fighting ring that is 100% legit and 100% humane, due to the fact that the chickens are already dead. He supplies the chickens with mouth guards for protection, even though neither the raw nor the rotisserie chickens have mouths — or even heads, for that matter. And the toothbrushes? That’s just good, common sense poultry dental hygiene. I also like to imagine the rotisserie chickens win every match, mostly due to their deadly one-two punch of zestiness and savoriness.
The article I’m pulling this story from comes to us from wsbtv.com, Atlanta’s ABC affiliate. The first sentence of the article reads:
“Authorities said a north Georgia man was arrested after police said he stuffed a rotisserie chicken, chicken wings, a mouth guard and two toothbrushes down the front of his pants and walked out of a Walmart without paying for the items.”
The last bit of that sentence intrigues me – the part about Joseph walking out without paying for the items. That kind of information is totally necessary for the story, but it feels a little silly; almost as if it should be implied instead of told to you. I say that because once you’ve decided to cram a series of random items in to your pants, one of which is a fully cooked chicken, no one’s expecting you to drag your greasy, overly bulging crotch across the price scanner, and then decline the request of paper or plastic by saying, “No, it’s okay. My chicken products and various oral implements are safe and secure nestled near my pee-pee and bum-bum.”
The short article ends by stating it is not known whether Joseph has an attorney. I’m going to venture a guess here and say no, he does not have one, because you can’t walk in to a law firm and slyly cram an entire criminal defense lawyer in to your pants and casually walk out the front door with a fully grown human hidden away near your warm testicles.