Furries are Awful and You Should Flee

Furries are described by Wikipedia as fucked up, probably.  There’s very likely more than one government group that keeps track of you if you Google furries so we’re not about to do any real in-depth research here, especially after checking out the videos we’re about to mock mercilessly.  But based on assorted details we’ve picked up from places like 4chan and a few videos that may have caused drunken boners, it’s safe to assume furries are people who get off on anthropomorphic animals, which is to say Disney movies, which is to say awful.  And now, in an effort to further horrify the blessedly ignorant masses, they’re marketing rather intricate masks.  This is in no way psychologically scarring, so read on.

Horse Mask

Do you know what’s wrong with this?  It’s a horse mask.  But that aside, it’s also being worn by a dude with a pony tail.  A disheveled, gross, touching-you-at-the-urinal pony tail, not one of those cool ones like random ninjas and native shaman have.  And it looks like it suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome.  Even if people in horse masks turn you on, how does an FAS horse turn you on?

Rabbit Mask

Sweet ghastly fuck, that’s not a good thing.  Seriously, the nicest thing you can say about this is that the dude in the video is probably not murdering you with some kind of strap on prosthetic cock needle weapon.  Yet.  If the Easter Bunny looked like this, for every chocolate egg he hid in your home, he’d also hide a camera.  And then later he’d come back and murder you with a strap on prosthetic cock needle weapon.

Frog/Turtle Mask

The fact he can’t decide what animal this mask represents is very telling.  And what it tells is that this face is the face of sex crime.  This is the mask that gave Hitler his AIDS.

Panda Mask

In real life, pandas are just adored by everyone.  Aren’t they precious?  Now, put one in a bowler hat and a turtle neck and you’ve got a Vaudeville panda that wants to watch you pee.

Dolphin Mask

Have you ever watched a movie about an alien species or something like that, when the alien isn’t outright evil, and for the most part its just depicted as kind of a sappy, friendly ET type character?  Now imagine if the alien were more realistic, and the reason it had been abandoned on Earth wasn’t because its flux capacitor accidentally broke or any shit like that, but because it was fucking creepy and the rest of his own people didn’t want him around anymore.  So it’s this tragic misfit from another world that doesn’t understand anything but, every so often, just grabs your cock and squeezes it super hard.  Now imagine he had a dolphin’s face.

Walrus Mask

Say, what would happen if Wilford Brimley were morbidly depressed and had two cocks hanging out of his mouth?