Funnycrave’s Scientific Endangered Species ScaleBy David Dietle
We at Funnycrave are dedicated to the mission of making scientifically credible information available to you. Being that we are a socially conscious lot, and the environment, especially endangered species, are such a driving concern in today’s society, we gathered a group of experts to design a method to help you, the educated internetter, determine how worthy of preserving an endangered species is.
We collected a group of 3 scienticians, 2 clinicists, a doctor of animology, and for an objective, non-scientific perspective, we hired a hobo named Larry. Unfortunately, we lost one our original team members when it was revealed he was, in fact, a Scientologist.
Using Science®, Truth© and factuality based Facts™, we have devised an objective, 3 part scale for determining a specie’s right to still exist, based on the all-important scale of how the creature affects Americans.
First is the DD Scale of meat (DDSM). This determines the animal’s value in KFC Double Downs based on how many sandwiches equal their body weight (A fried Double Down is 248 grams, about ½ a pound). Other fast food sandwiches were considered, including the BK Quad Stacker and Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but the inclusion of vegetable matter (pickles, ketchup, mustard) and “buns” made them poor units of measurement. The Double Down’s construction of meat (fried chicken) sandwiching meat (bacon), cheese and dairy-based sauce (both of which come from a meat-creature) makes it a pure sample of animal worthiness. Plus, we were able to pay Larry for his services in KFC.
Next is the Beanie Index of Potential Cuteness (BI). This is a point scale based on whether the animal currently exists as, or could be turned into, a Beanie Baby. The index is adjusted if the animal does not have a face (-5 points) or has more than 2 eyes (-3 points). The BI runs on a scale from 1-10, 1 being too ugly to keep around and 10 meaning we care about it because it’s cute. Cuteness simulation will be accomplished by enlarging the eyes and adding a smile.
Next is the Discovery Quantifier (DQ). It should actually be “Animal Planet” Quantifier, but we had already written it down after Tom Cruise had suggested it, but before we knew he was an idiot, and our staff didn’t want to rewrite it. This determines if Animal Planet could include this animal in one of their popular hoarding/infestation/murder shows. The DQ is a color scale, because science needs more rainbows. Red indicates the animal could take over your home and kill your loved ones in a violent frenzy, while Violet means he animal may bore you to death.
We have taken the time to apply our scale to several animals from the IUCN’s endangered species list, starting with the Giant Panda, which is our baseline, since it combines weight, cute and aggressiveness. Let’s take a look at the following species and see which we should save, and which we should grind up as cow feed. Anything with a combined score of BI over 5 and DQ of more than green qualifies for being saved from extinction. The DD doesn’t actually fit in anywhere, but we put in too much time developing it so we kept it.
We decided to use panda’s to set the stage for the 4 following species since they are a great example of all of the above. At about 330 pounds for an adult male, the panda is worth a whopping 660 DDs! This more than makes up for the fact that as a species they have the sexual aggression of a wet hankie, and being nature’s only vegan carnivore.
Since we were setting up the panda to be our control, we first tried to modify an image of one to determine the BI. The results were horrific:
As a result, one of our clinicians had to be put down because he would not stop screaming after he saw it. Instead, we decided to just find the proper Beanie baby for the animal, or find a close approximation and edit that if necessary.
The panda scored a perfect 10 on the BI, being both incredibly cute on their own and already being a Beanie Baby doll. It scored a red on the DQ since they have been known to experience violent outbursts. It is a fucking bear, after all.
The axolotl is a weird salamander from Mexico that never grows up; it achieves sexual maturity without ever changing from its larval form. It’s like a race of amphibious sex babies in frog-lizard form. Despite being a race of wet, slippery pedophiles, the axolotl is actually kinda cute. They have no Beanie Baby, but the frilled lizard looked close enough. While it has eyes and a face, the collar of gills was more than a little creepy, so it only scored a 6.
Axolotls weigh between 100 and 350 grams, making them average out to 1 DD. Not bad for an overgrown baby newt. On the other hand, they scored a blue in DQ because they are less threatening than a hot dog, and all Animal Planet could ever do about them is a show whining about their imminent extinction. They scored above a purple simply because we would never want to touch one.
Saolas are bizarre Southeast Asian bovids (technically an antelope) notable for having the mammal-world’s largest scent glands, and there having been only 11 ever seen alive. They weigh in at about 400 DDs, so they are impressive in their potential tastiness. There are cow Beanie Babies, and no doubt the saola’s coloration would make a suitably adorable one, but we gave it a nine because they would probably include the fleshy flaps on their face that they rub on trees to mark them with their enormous musk-balls in their face. No kid should have a toy that does that.
They get a yellow on the DQ since they are closely related to buffalo, and at 200 pounds have the potential to massacre someone. They have not to date, but living in Laos and Vietnam, there has to be one or two kicking around with PTSD just waiting to snap.
Okay, so aside from pandas, apparently every endangered species is some freakish offshoot of something we’re already familiar with. The kakapo is a pudgy, flightless parrot from Middle Earth that can live to be 95 to 120! And the males boom! They weigh up to a respectable 18 DDs and being that they are parrots, they have a built in Beanie Baby with little to no modifications, save their somewhat bland coloring.
But fuck it, green works for all kinds of animals, so no points off. They are lacking in the DQ department, being that they are more victims than anything else. However, they got a green because it matches their feathers, and they are strong runners, so maybe Animal Planet could base a racing show on them. Maybe “The Kakapo Meter Dash.”
Now, here’s an animal that defies logic; it lives in a cave. I don’t mean “It lives in caves”; that would imply that it lived in more than one cave. No, this literally lives in 1 cave, in the entire world. It has no eyes, is an albino, and lives off of nutrients from bat guano. The only grow a couple of inches, and I could not find a weight for them, but who gives a sit, really? Not even a single DD for this thing… It may even take their entire population to make even one Double Down.
It gets the 1 for the BI because not only is it a butt-ugly color and no one (NO ONE) makes “blind cave animal” toys, but we actually have to remove the eyes from an existing Beanie Baby to make it work. Not to mention the fish Beanie Babies kind of suck anyway. Then there is the fact that these blind suck-fish live in a single cave. They won’t be mauling tourists or swarming your house any time soon. It’s also a hard sell to make a TV show about an ugly animal that developed in one place on the entire planet, there are about 100 of them, so they are all inbreds (I guess it’s fitting they are from Alabama….), and they eat bat shit.
This species could literally be eradicated if someone took a leak in the wrong pool.