Funnycrave Takes the ‘Bore’ out of LaBOR Day
By Kristi Harrison
Question: Did you know that Labor Day was created as a gesture of appeasement to grieving workers after members of the US military murdered strikers during the Pullman Strike of 1894?
Answer: You did not.
And if you did, you’re lying, because you didn’t. It turns out there was once a time when bosses were kings and workers were chopped livers, so the chopped livers of the world had to unite into some kind of chopped liver salad or stew or maybe goulash. But sometimes that goulash got the paprika beat out of it. By the end of the Pullman Strike, thirteen strikers were killed and 57 more were injured. Within six days of the strike ending President Grover Cleveland and the congress established the holiday as a sort of all day make-up sex session with the labor movement. Imagine if Bill Clinton had done the same thing after the Branch Davidian siege at Waco. We’d have a day off to honor wackjob cults.
Happy Fringe Religious Sect Day!
So as you sleep in, watch a parade, go shopping or grill up some burgers, just remember that like Grandparents Day, Labor Day is deeply rooted in violence, belated apologies and wasted life. So don’t celebrate it boringly. Here are some funky fresh ways to spend your day celebrating the people who first had their wages cut, then had their capacity to be alive cut. To death.
Crash a Maternity Ward
Labor is a beautiful thing. It’s beautiful and hilarious, because the woman doing it makes all these ridonkulous faces like she’s Jim Carrey on a painful downer. And then she’ll make these noises that sound like this:
“Aaaahhhhhhhgggggghhhrrrgfffffhhhhuuuusggghhh”
Her voice is going to be all gargly and primal, like she ‘s got some of gag in her throat, which is always funny. And did we mention what she’s doing with her body?
Hilarious! It’s like your own little modern day vaudeville show. But with the head of a new person emerging out of woman’s birth canal for the finale. Do you think Bojangles ever gave that kind of show? Doubt it.
Strike Something
Preferably not a woman or a child, but either will do in a pickle. And a white man is always fair game. Unless you are a black man. We all know the justice system is tilted against you so it’s best not to tempt fate. Don’t hit people with special needs or people who are carrying puppies. Don’t hit someone who is carrying a carton of eggs because you’re busy celebrating Labor Day and you don’t have time to clean up egg yolks.
Striking also works against nouns and ideas. This Labor Day I’m going to strike against my elliptical machine, racism and waking up early. Maybe you want to strike against your employer. Or maybe you’re not employed, which means every day is a labor strike day for you. You’re a true life American hero, if that’s the case.
You?
Pretend Like You’re In a Musical
There is nothing more la boring than talking. Observe:
“Hey. How are you?”
“Good. How about you?”
“Super. Good seeing you.”
“Take care.”
Now, witness the same conversation, but in song:
Slinky woman saunters up to a bare chested man. She wraps one leg around his waist and tussles his hair.
“You give me fever. When you kiss me. Fever when we have sex all the time.”
“FEVER! Take off your clothes. Let’s do it right here in the grocery aisle.”
“Break it on down!” (Rap interlude)
Singing makes every thing sexy and interesting. If you sing during your Labor Day, you’ll get Laidbored Dayed, if you know what I mean.
Llamas getting Laidbored Dayed.
Glue Some Bricks Together
Build a factory with your own two hands.
Stack some hay.
Start a fire, then put it out heroically.
Load some docks.
Kill a fat cat.
I guess I should have admitted at the beginning that I have no idea what constitutes ‘labor’ these days. Type harder, maybe? Slam that phone down after you answer it? Seriously, guys. Fill me in. I can only assume labor is referring to physical work, in which case, all I can say is ‘Phew.’ So glad I dodged that labor bullet. Time for my second afternoon nap, y’all. Catch you on the flip side.
