Funny Crave Writes a Letter to JT and Jessica Biel Now That They’ve Broken Up

Dear, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

What the fuck, guys? You’re breaking up? Seriously? Wha – I mean, tha – that’s crazy! You can’t do this to me, you guys! Every day I sit at my computer with my 58 pound cat Sergeant Pickles as I defend you guys’ honor on the TMZ forums. You may be familiar with some of my most famous arguments like “JT is soooooo not a gay” and “ZOMG!! I luvs Jessica Biel!!!!!!!.” If not for me and my valiant crusade to unsmirch peoples’ attempts to besmirch your great names, then you guys’ lives would be filled with wild accusations and hearsay. I have sacrificed so much for you guys, so much more than you’ll ever know — yet you break up. You destroy everything I’ve ever fought for, everything I’ve ever dreamed.

By breaking up you guys have ruined any and all chance of the three of us having a 3-way.

I feel betrayed by you guys! Like, for reals. Now I’ll never be able to engage you both sexually at the same time. That hurts my heart. I had it all planned out, too.

First, Justin, I was going to sneak in to your dressing room disguised a man named Lazarus — your new, plucky backup dancer. After I asked you to show me a couple of sweet moves to make sure I have them down right, I was going to do a little spin move. When the spin was completed, I was going to be facing you with a rose in my mouth. A rose…for you.

While all of this was happening, I would have already put the wheels in motion for Jessica’s surprise visit. I would have called her manager and told him that you (Justin) needed to see her (Jessica) right away. Why? “He didn’t say,” the manager would have said. When Jessica showed up in the dressing room, she would have fallen victim to my – nay, our nakedness. Having done extensive research on Jessica’s personal life by reading page after page of Us Weekly and People Magazine, I know for a fact that her reaction would have been, “Let’s do this.”

What would have followed would have been the best 17 ½ minuets of both your lives. The sex would be everywhere. It would have been wild. There would have been many occasions where Justin and I high-fived to express our extreme pleasure.  There would have been a few moments where we confuse each other’s orifices, then awkwardly laugh as our eyes shy away in that special way that the eyes of young lovers do. One of you would have said, “Oops, my bad” and I would have said “No, you’re good” as to keep up morale seeing as 3-ways can be emotionally taxing sometimes.

But no. No “your good.” You guys ruined it by breaking up. How could you do that? Worse yet, how could you do that to me? I really felt I had a chance to make that 3-way happen. Now – now it could never be. Congratulations, guys. Not only have you dashed your chances of finding love with each other, but you pissed away the chance of having me – Me! The guy on the TMZ forums! – have sex with the both of you! But, if there is an upside, you have just doubled the chances of finding me hidden away in your closest with a concrete dildo!

See you guys in your shoe collections!

Love,

Luis Prada

PS –From now on, whenever I talk about you guys I’ll call you “Justin Timberfake” and “Jessica Bile.” Hurts, doesn’t it?