Funny Crave Exclusive: Secret Black Friday Deals!
Nov 23, 2009 - By Luis Prada
Black Friday is the day that Americans collectively forget that we are supposed to be the world leader in peace and civility. We show this completely lack of understanding of who we’re supposed to be by trampling, and in some cases killing, other people just to get our hands on a toaster that’s been marked down to a bargain-basement price.
In the weeks leading up to Black Friday anticipation builds and builds as rumors circulate around the internet of super-low costs and out-of-this-world deals on top of the line products. There are so many deals, in fact, that there are reams of websites dedicated to cataloguing it all so you, the informed consumer, can have your goal in mind for when those doors open at 5 in the morning and you can rocket past that dumbass woman that brought her 4 kids to an event where there is sure to be bloodshed, so you can give a well placed elbow to the chin to the guy that looks like he’s pretty nimble, and Charlie-horse the fat mid-western lady that’s sporting a bedazzled T-shirt that reads “Black Friday is Da Bomb!!”
But, here’s a little known fact: there are plenty of black Friday deals out there that never get their fair share of advertisement, and for good reason. You see, these are deals so special that only the upper echelon of informed buyers can ever be made aware of them because the corporations know that if we elite shoppers get our hands on these products, we can spread the word about them better than anybody else. We at Funny Crave are a part of that high society of bargain hunters, and are privy to this sensitive door-buster savings info.
But we don’t want to keep this information from you any longer. Today, Funny Crave will share of inside info on some of the great deals that will be going down this Friday…
1) Kenmore washer and dryer with oral sex hole ($175.95; Sears) – For so long only women have had the pleasure of getting their rocks off on the corner of a washing machine. This is totally unfair to men who feel it’s their right to put their junk near heavy machinery. Well fret no longer, guys-that-want-to-have-sex-with-a-washing-machine! Not only is Kenmore releasing their “Orgasmachine” on Black Friday, but their selling it for such a low price that it’s almost criminal. The washing machine is a front loader that can wash up to 120 pounds of clothing. It’s eco-friendly as it uses 30% less water than your leading washer, and it’s Energy Star approved. Also, there’s a hole that has sex with your penis. (We hear that it leave your junk smelling April fresh!).
2) Sony’s Human Prey GPS Device (Best Buy, $40.95) – For the big-game lover of the family comes Sony’s Human Prey GPS device that calculates the exact location of the nearest athletic human specimen that would give any seasoned hunter a run for his money when he goes on a hunt for the most dangerous game of them all: man. The device employs the usage of complex biometric scanning, along with satellite imagery, medical records, and it also illegally accesses the FBI’s personal records of every person in American (and even some outside of the country). It would make the perfect gift for that special hunter in your life whose zest to kill deer is only outmatched by his zest to kill humans.
3) Samsung’s Disappointing Piece of Crap (CompUSA, $98.99) – Where you would normally pay upwards of $700 for Samsung’s glorious Disappoint Piece of Crap, the elite Black Friday Shopper will pay only 98 bucks for it, which we’re told is a savings of over 3400%. Samsung’s Disappointing Piece of Crap is a true technological wonder as it’s sleek black design and its inability to do anything you want it to do will make it one of this year’s top sellers. It has a slot to play Blu-Rays (which it won’t play), it has a port for your iPod (which it won’t recognize), and it has a blender on top that’s mostly there for show (somehow, doesn’t even accomplish that task). Yes, this amazing space-age device can be yours for only a fraction of it’s a original cost, and a sizeable portion of your gullibility.