Funny Crave Debunks Anti-Porn Myths

Porn. It’s awesome, right? I know I was totally just thinking about it. It’s so warm and loving and, at times, gooey. It’s like receiving a hug from your sluttiest friend.  It’s pretty hard to believe that there are people out there that actually hate porn. Men that hate porn. That seems to contradict testicle ownership. I mean, unless you’re Wilt Chamberlin and you can just find some real sex as easily as finding a Starbucks, then, yeah. Sure. I can see how porn wouldn’t be your thing. But if you’re just a normal guy, nothing particularly special about you and your sexual abilities, then porn is a safe haven for your instinctual need to get off.

This is why this article troubles us. It’s from a Christian radio station, and it’s a response to a listeners letter. In the letter, the listener basically just thanks Jeffery, the columnist (?), for his thoughts and views on porn. He goes on to say that he can’t believe he used to look at “those pictures,” and mentions that he can still remember “those pictures” as if he were having ‘Nam flashbacks; but instead of some Vietcong blowing up his squad mates, it’s boobs.

Jeffery then goes on to rattle off this huge diatribe about the evils of porn.

So now, I will attack every single one of Jeffery’s claims; systematically destroying his entire anti-porn argument. And I will do it with nothing but pure, unadulterated silliness…as only Funny Crave can deliver.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Pornography is everywhere. Statistics leave our heads spinning about how many pornographic sites are on the Web today…”

It’s the free market, man! Free market economics can even be applied to two people doing it. Or three people. Or 9 people, a Llama, and a Speedy Gonzalez piñata filled with sex jelly.

“The revenue of the pornography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix, and EarthLink.”

Earthlink is still a thing that exists?

“And porn is only a click away.”

Not if you have it set as your desktop wallpaper.

“The Barna Group reported that 29 percent of all born-again adults in the United States believe it is morally acceptable to view movies depicting explicit sexual behavior”

And that’s fine. You see, where some devout religious folk find porn horrifying, they tend to think that extreme violence is A-Okay. They’d rather see someone get their head blow off then see a guy getting the head of his penis blown. One is a disgusting, deplorable, sickening act. The other is porn. Beautiful, beautiful porn.

“I’d say these people are not facing the fact that porn is dangerous to the core. It sucks every bit of truth, contentment, honesty, character, loyalty, and reality out of the mind and soul of the one plugging into it.”

Only after something really dirty. Cambodian midgets fisting a goat comes to mind.

“Porn leaves people feeling hopeless, guilty, and ashamed”

Again, only after Cambodian midgets fisting a goat.

“Who is hurt by pornography? While we often think of the porn industry as targeting only males, a recent study showed that the industry is targeting females as well. About one in three visitors to adult Web sites is female.³ That means your daughter is at risk just as your son is.”

Good! Have you ever had sex with a girl that refuses to watch porn due to some moral superiority? It’s like writing a book report on a book you’ve never read before.

“No teen today is immune to the possibility of falling into the trap of porn. It can happen quickly. It can happen unintentionally. It can happen to your teen”

Are communists living among us? Film at eleven.

“Sin affects us all (see Romans 3:23). What sins are evident in your life? If your teen struggles with porn, let him know that he is not alone and that you understand the struggle, because you struggle with your own sins. Maybe you have even struggled with the specific sin of porn viewing, and therefore you can share in a very personal way what that struggle has been like and how you have achieved victory.”

Yes, share your porn stories with your teen. Although, when you share, be sure to hand him only the tapes that do not feature daddy and mommy having their privet time. That can lead to some mental anguish later on.

”Certainly we cannot be passive about the problem of pornography. Hebrews 12:1 tells us to ‘throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.’ So, parent, it’s time to act. It’s time to arm yourself with the necessary tools to wage this war alongside your teen.”

“Are you ready for this battle? It starts with learning more about what you’re up against.”

By watching porn. You’ll never truly understand how evil it is unless you watch at least 78 hours of it and run through a Costco-sized case of tissues and about a gallon of Jergens. And the research is still not complete until you’ve done all that and chuckled to yourself stupidly at the name “Jergens” after you’ve re-dubbed it “Jerkins.”