Call me crazy, call me square, call me a bourgeois fuddy-duddy, and then cry when I slap your face for your high and mighty anachronistic language, but I stopped dressing up for Halloween not long after I started wearing a bra.  So, like, at 16.  Ha ha, just kidding.  Eleven.  I remember this clearly, because I felt pretty stupid trick or treating without a real costume and walking around someone else’s neighborhood in footie pajamas claiming I was a ‘baby’ for Halloween.

“Goo goo.  I’ll take those Snickers, lady.”

In my head, there is something vaguely degrading about wearing pretend clothes without actually being a paid actor.  But, to be fair, in my head, rice turns to maggots when you’re not looking and Glee‘s not all that great.

So my opinion on grown ups dressing up for Halloween probably shouldn’t hold a lot of water with normal brained folk.  IRREGARDLESS, if you are past the age when costumes = trick or treating, which actually = candy, in other words, if you are dressing up just for the fun of it, then, for better or worse, you’re falling in one of these five categories.  Oh, also, start inviting me to your parties.  I know you’re having them.  I’ve seen the pictures on Facebook.  Jerks.

Ms. Topical

In 1999, you were the Y2K bug.  The year before that, you were Monica Lewinsky.  Last year you were Kate Gosselin.  Based on this track record, there is no shadow of a doubt that this year you’ll be squishing your size 10 lumps into a size 4 dress, donning a wig that looks like its got a mouse stuck up in it, and streaking  some Bain de soleil all over the parts of your body can reach.  All of that so your friends can give a half hearted chuckle when they realize you’ve shown up at their house trying to look like this:

On purpose.  In the best scenario, you actually look halfway decent in a short, slutty dress and your friends are shallow enough to get who you’re referencing.  In the worst scenario, you walk into a room of plain clothed co-workers and friends wearing shirts that say ‘THIS IS MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME, JACKASS’ and you just come off looking like a whore.  Good luck with that.

Speaking of whores…

Slutty Lady

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.  - Mean Girls

Nothing about the above statement is actually true.  For one, slutty girls are going find a way to dress slutty 24/7/365, that’s just a fact.  It may be -20 degrees outside but a whorish girl is still going to find a way to make sure you know how cold her breasts are, if you know what I mean.

And two, if you think the prudes in the room won’t be talking about the tramps in the room just because it’s Halloween, you must be out of your skanky little mind.  Halloween is not some kind of sacred holiday bestowed by Jesus himself.  I can guarantee that any grown woman showing up at a party dressed as ‘Sexy Chucky’ or ‘Sexy Real Estate Agent’ or ‘Sexy Electron’ is the same kind of woman who prays she overhears someone calling her a MILF because it makes her feel good about herself.  In other words, she has self esteem problems and probably daddy issues.

Punny Guy

“Oh my gosh!  Look at this costume!”

“That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen since Borat!”

“Honey, honey, come here!  Look at this!  Let’s get a picture of this character!”

“Ha ha ha ha!  My sides hurt!”

“How did you think of that?  Are you a comedian?”

I’ll take ‘Things You Won’t Be Hearing if You’re Wearing a Pun Costume’ for $600, Alex.

Two Years Too Late

It’s one thing to pull out some iconic villain from yesteryear.  It’s another to dress like William Hung in the year of our Lord 2010.  So, quick, if you want to be Antoine Dodson for Halloween, this is your year.

You are really dumb–for real.

Seize the opportunity while you can, because next year Antoine Dodson won’t be topical, and if he is, it will be for a reason more horrible than his sister nearly getting raped by a rapist in the projects.  Otherwise, you’re just a two years too late guy, either too cheap to put together another ridiculous costume, or too stuck in your ways to put the Sarah Palin suit away.  Either way, it’s not looking too good for you, coolness-wise. (wink)

The Offender

This is the worst of all.  There is something about Halloween that can really bring out the evil in people.  That picture up there is one of the least offensive pictures that came up after googling ‘offensive Halloween costume.’  The worst offenders involved airplanes and Twin Towers, Virginia Tech students, bloody tampons and priests doing unmentionable things with paper mache children.  Not to mention Bill Maher dressed as a barely dead Steve Irwin.

The problem with the offenders was not that they thought of the jokes in the first place.  I think of offensive jokes all day. Horrible jokes that would make your face melt in sadness for the condition of my soul.  The difference between me and an Offender is that I’ve got some sense of context for crap’s sake.  If you’re reading Funnycrave, you’re in for some ill humor.  Them’s the breaks.  But if you’re going to a neighbor’s Halloween party dressed in a sweet pumpkin sweatshirt layered over an orange polo shirt, you’re going to have a heart attack when a sheep raper walks in the door.

Sheep Raper is a bastard for pretending to rape a sheep in a public place.  A BASTARD.