First Lady of Japan Rides UFO’s; Is Awesome

The problem with politics these days is that all politicians are the same. That’s why people thought they needed to vote for Barack Obama, they thought he’d bring change. But those people were foolish. Not because he won’t bring change, but because he’s just a dude who has never taken a UFO ride to Venus. Honestly, what kind of difference can any politician, be it the school board comptroller or the President of the United States make if they aren’t flying around in UFOs to Venus? May as well put a beaver in charge.

Luckily for Japan, the land where nothing strange ever happens normally and no tentacle porn is ever produced, their new First Lady is no slouch when it comes to intergalactic schmoozing. While Michele Obama can only get in the news here for wearing shorts and not being white, Miyuki Hatoyama flew to fucking Venus. And she was asleep and left her body here when she did it. Take that, world leaders who try to avoid public embarrassment.

Even better than flying to Venus, which apparently was very green despite science poo pooing such reports by saying Venus has the most intense greenhouse effect in the solar system and the atmosphere is all carbon dioxide and nitrogen with a surface pressure equal to deep sea on earth and a temperature of nearly 900 degrees, she met Tom Cruise. In another life!

Cruise, who may have still been Scientology Jesus back then, was apparently Japanese once and they used to hang out. If there is more to that encounter, we can’t say, as the article I’m pilfering this from went on to mention how she says she eats the sun, and it’s hard for me to try to form proper sentences when dealing with this kind of story. She eats the sun. Eats the sun. And by that she means, apparently, “hum, hum, hum.” No shit, that was a direct quote. In context, it involved her holding her arms up and pretending to pull pieces off of the sun and eat them.

The media and, you know, the article above, kind of mock her for the things she’s said but honestly, this shit’s way more interesting than anything you’re likely to find in politics anywhere else around the globe. Plus she seems like a very nice lady. Hopefully she’ll keep the world up to date on her intergalactic shenanigans. Or, you know, at least go to Poland and track down Bigfoot for us.