This past Tuesday was a day to celebrate the release of one of the most anticipated games of all time, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. To commemorate the occasion, I stocked up on plenty of Taco Bell and Mountain Dew, the provisions one needs when one decides to ignore the real world and play a video game for 12 hours straight.
After running through the Campaign mode fairly quickly, I turned my sights to the real meat of the game, the multiplayer. Being a seasoned Xbox Live multiplayer veteran, I like to think I know what to expect when it comes to trash talking. When I play a game from the Halo series, for instance, I should mentally prepare myself for a barrage of anti-Semitic and anti-homosexual rhetoric flung about carelessly by 12-14 year olds that will probably grow up to be either very successful rapists or politicians.
When I play Gears of War 2, I should know that the people playing it are essentially high school football jocks that are wrapped in a nerdy candy coating. They may not know much about sports, but they take that same sports fan intensity and fanaticism and they apply it to things like Anime and video games. Thus, the trash talking tends to be more about how you, the loser of the match or round, are a faggot that should never have even bought the game due to your propensity for sucking at things that they, the trash talker, are really good at.
Call of Duty is a little different, though. Not much more, mind you. But enough to where it’s slightly noticeable. When it comes to a Call of Duty multiplayer match, people seem to be a bit more gentlemanly. Again, not much more, just a tiny bit more. The game seems to be played by older guys that play it for the fun, as opposed to people that treat the faceless medium of online play like an offshore bank account designed specifically for hatred and vitriol; a place their stupidity can exist without existing.
So imagine my surprise when I started to play Modern Warfare 2’s multiplayer and found that all of the Halo assholes and the Gears of War douchebags had gravitated to Call of Duty. Actually, don’t imagine it. I’ll just tell you. I was, like, 1 million surprised (that is, if surprise were measured numerically). Only a couple of matches in I found myself being sucked in to the world of assholes that think calling you every slur in the great big book of slurs within a 10 minuet time span will net their squad a couple hundred bonus points at the end of the match.
After a few more rounds of this, I decided to accept it and actually try to have some fun with it. I decided to join the ranks of the assholes. I decided that I was going to see how far I could push these assholes by turning the tables on them.
Every time someone, whether they be on my team or not, started acting a dick, I fired back with a little something of my own, hoping they would fire back.
After each exchange, I carefully wrote down everything that was said. Here are the 3 that stick out the most.
Oh, and I have to warn you, these are all real.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————-
The Australian
Australian: Yeah, I fuckin’ killed all you little bastards. Fuckin’ raped you all. Ha!
Me: Good show, Good show.
Australian: fuckin’-A, man. Little shits.
Me: Crikey, mate!
Australian:…
Me: That’s not a knife, THAT’S a knife.
Australian: You should suck on a fat cock, yeah?
Me: Fosters, Australian for Koala piss.
Australian: I killed all you little fuckers, so I don’t give a shit.
Me: Australia, come for the kangaroo meat, stay for the experience of being amongst a country of criminal descendants.
Australian: If I saw you in real life I’d fuckin’ — put a fuckin’ shotgun in your asshole. I’d rape you with a fuckin’ shot gun!
Me: Now, is the bloomin’ onion Australia’s largest national export, or is it your irrelevance?
—————————————————————————————————————————————————
The Child
Child: Oh My God! You and you’re fucking fraging, man! Stop being such a faggot, dude!
Me: Well, evidently being a faggot is what makes me a champion. Every morning I wake up and eat a bowl of dicks. You know why?
Child: Why?
Me: Because dicks is the breakfast of champions! And faggots. Which I apparently am. Because I killed you. A lot.
(In the lobby waiting for the next match to start)
Child: Who’s the faggot now, bitch?! I Fucking owned you!
Me: Well, by your rules, you would now be the faggot because you killed me. Only faggots kill people.
Child: Shut up, faggot!
Me: The logic! IT’S –IT’S TURNED ON YOU!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————-
The Redneck
Redneck: That’s how we do, nigga!
Me: Please, for the love of god, do not say “nigga.” It just makes you seem whiter. It’s like seeing an albino rocking out to Christopher Cross.
Redneck: Who?
Me: Saaaaaailing Takes me awaaaaaaaaay to where I’ve always heard it could be!! C’mon, man! Christopher fucking Cross? Saaaaaailing Takes me awaaaaaaaaay! You’re a honkey! You’re like a mayonnaise stain on Klan hood, you have to know about Christopher Cross!
Redneck: Fuck right I’m white! At least I’m not some fucking A-rab or some dirty shit.
Me: If that was supposed to insinuate that I’m Arab, you’re pretty far off, man. And even if I were, it would be better than being a redneck.
Redneck: How would you even know I’m a redneck? You can’t see me. You don’t know if I have a confederate flag or something.
Me: Well, you might be a redneck if you’re you.
Oh man that was great…i had to re-read it and then I read it aloud so everyone in ear shot could enjoy it. I'd love to see more of this!
lol what a great read. Too bad its only funny if you read it, most of the time its just damn annoying in the game.
Great article. I may document some of my intellectual conversations with the MW2 massive.
Man sometimes it is just easier to toggle mute those people. And not every match is like that, the first twelve hours of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 for me were quite enjoyable, then all the middle school and high school kids got out and got there hands on a copy.
Well you're really not doing anything different from them, you just happen to have great grammar, a large vocabulary, and intelligence . If I were to get into an "e-fight" with you I'd at least congratulate you for not being a total rimjob :P
Dude, you forgot the “American Idol” wannabe contestant.
This is why the only game I play online lately is Rainbow Six: Vegas. Very rarely have I encountered kids and assholes. I think it's too difficult for them to understand how to play with their small minds. You actually have to think and you can't run and gun. Both of those together put too much of a strain on their tiny brains and patience.
"I was, like, 1 million surprised" haha, that's epic :)
LOL @ the Australian. Best thing to say to people with English and Australian accents is tell them to speak "real English"
Good point. I've found that "I only speak American" is effective also.
Real English? LOL back at you. You do realise that the English language did not originate in the States, right? Hell, it didn't even originate in England. I suggest you do your homework before you try to throw insults around.
Er…isn't that the whole point…especially if it's an English accent? Look up irony. It might help.
I guess that guy was commenting on the small mindedness of pretty much all americans, which apparently you didn't pick up on.
thats the joke dummy.
and now that were away from an online multi player we get to see real live examples of idots who ruin games like gears and H3 and continue to give me the jock with a nerdy exterior a bad rep
Wasn't Hitler an Australian? I thought they speak Australian?
Oh man thats good shit. I use to take notes of the dumb shit people would say so that i could use it in funny videos and stuff or other projects. good shit man.
Anonymity breeds stupidity.
xbox live seriously needs a way to require your actual age. That way I can just auto mute anyone 20-under, and work from there. Sucks for the non d-bags, but it sure would be nice.
Also they could group you with people your age. That might make me play multiplayer again outside of friends.
That would be nice, but then i would get stuck with the group that sucks ass, im not a dickbag teen like some of the others, but i would hate to play every single game and hear stupid shit that they think is cool
i agree hard core i carry a gamer etiquette and i love Halo Wars and i would hate to not be able to play an older adult who spent most of their life learning Starcraft and AEO2 like i am slowly doing it would spoil the game
We created a song entitled to this issue on Call of Duty. The song is called "Japs in the Ravine." You can download it for free at Http://MCBobbyK.com. Good work fighting back!
This is 100 percent why I do all of my multiplayer gaming on the PC. I do not need to listen to kids more than half my age making idiots out of themselves, nor spreading racism, bigotry, religism, or other weaknesses of intellect and wisdom.
Games are for fun- not listening to hate speech. If I wanted hate speech, I'd turn on some right-wing propaganda on the radio or Fox News.
And its for this very reason I've avoided MW2 like the plague… and pretty much any FPS on a console.
i dont play any online multiplayer game but even so i loved your post! (1 million surprised!)
holy ship, awesome read. I don't really play these games because I'm terrible at them, but a lot of friends do and they just mute everybody because most of the people on there fall into your three categories, and the only way to deal with them is to mute them or commit suicide. thanks for the article.
……..why is your name aidsface? i could see why you might actually commit suicide
my name is aidsface because I'm dying of aids that your father gave me after a long night of rape.
you should play it on PS3, it's much better
Please have pity on us Australians, the matchmaking in MW2 is pathetic, it always places us in american hosted matches with huge pings, and it gets bloody frustrating. I have no clue who that idiot that you talked to is, but I'm yet to meet another aussie that's anything like that. You sure he wasn't british? Most americans are idiots and can't tell the difference between the accents. It also sounds like a british person, reading through it.
Great article my favorate was "I should mentally prepare myself for a barrage of anti-Semitic and anti-homosexual rhetoric flung about carelessly by 12-14 year olds that will probably grow up to be either very successful rapists or politicians"
Great little article!
If you're Australian or British, you shouldn't take it personally. I think "The Australian" is just thrown in there to make things interesting. Most of what I hear is of mainly "The Child" and "The Redneck" variety (of which I'm sure PLENTY are Americans, sadly).