Fecal Bacteria is in Half of Your Drinks, But Why?

At this point you’re probably wondering why there’s poop in your Mountain Dew, when you should know full well that Mountain Dew is just teabags stewed in feces with caffeine added.  But that’s not what we’re talking about.  We’re talking about the recent study that shows nearly 50% of all fountain drinks in fast food restaurants contain fecal bacteria.  Finally, more than just Mountain Dew tastes like crap.

Now sure, it’s interesting to note that there’s a healthy supply of poop particles in your root beer and your Sprite and whatnot and in a quirky, hard to explain way it’s also kind of funny that the bacteria is antibiotic resistant stuff too, just in case you thought you might have a chance of avoiding it, but that’s not the really interesting part about this.  The really interesting part is wondering just how the hell ass dust gets into a fountain drink.  Doesn’t that stuff come in giant bags and tanks?  When does anyone have time to douse their sphincter in there?

FunnyCrave has been pondering these questions for days, and we couldn’t come up with too many reasonable guesses.  However, in sub-basement 2B of the FunnyCrave offices, in the second room after the utility room that houses the mop we use to clean vomit after office parties, is the AV room.  And in the AV room, amidst a healthy supply of porn that is apparently for research purposes if our editor is to be believed, is also our archivist and the most accurate prognosticator the world has ever known – Gary Clarke.

Gary was able to figure out who clogged the toilet up on 4.  You know, the really nice toilet with the unusually large stall and really classy tiles? Yeah, that one.  We couldn’t use that thing for three days, but Gary figured it out.

Gary knew Superman Returns was going to be the most boring goddamn movie ever seen, before it was ever seen.  He sent us all an email about it.

Gary told us all not to eat the bean dip during the office Mardi Gras party last year.  You know what happened to the people who did?  They clogged the toilet up on 4.  So for the most part, we trust Gary around here because Gary is pretty on the ball.

So we took this poop in soda conundrum to Gary, and here are Gary’s guesses as to exactly how this happened.  Keep in mind, every restaurant is different.  For all we know, all of these could be true somewhere.

• Someone in the restaurant has been gently pressing the lips of their anus against each and every spout.
• The guy who refills the machine is one of those guys who never trims their nails and as a result tears through their toilet paper when wiping – then, after not washing his hands, he proceeds to dump the syrup and soda water into the fountain and mix them together with his bare hands.
• Someone deuced in the fountain.