Exclusive!: A Passage From Sarah Palin’s Memoir “Going Rogue”
By Luis Prada
Christ, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sarah Palin is such a fucking rogue. She’s so rogue that she’s like 1,000 rogue. That wouldn’t make sense if it were anyone else, but it’s Sarah Palin; therefore, 1,000 rogue. She was rogue during the campaign when she came out in support for ignorance and stupidity, she was rogue when she ignored everything the McCain camp told her to do, and she was rogue when she started the whole “Death Panels” thing on her FaceBook page. (As a bit of a side note, “The Death Panels” is a great band name. No, fuck that, “The Death Palin’s” is even better). Sarah is so fucking rogue that even her memoir (aptly titled “Going Rogue”) is going rogue by being released November 17th instead of the previously announced Spring 2010.
HarperCollins was probably all like, “Ohhh, Sarah we simply can’t release your book until Spring 2010 because it will totally over-shadow all of the other books we have coming out!!!” To which Sarah Palin replied, “Fuck you, you know. This book is going out in November, the Rogue month.” Then she dropped a smoke grenade. When the smoke cleared, she was gone and everyone’s pens were missing and they were replaced by Palin ‘012 campaign buttons. Why ‘012? Because Sarah Palin is to fucking Rogue that she pisses on our pathetic methods of year shortening.
As is customary for the promotion of a memoir, some passages of “Going Rogue” have been released to whet the collective appetites of the world. Here is a choice bit from “Going Rogue” that’s all about Sarah Palin doing what she does best, going rogue.
So there I was, knee deep in Afghani guts. My hunting knife drenched in the blood of tyrants, glimmering with the pride of patriots. My Commander was trying to talk me out of my mission via SatCom. “Sarah! You can’t go it alone! Osama will kill you, then he’ll take over Alaska, then…THE WORLD!!” he said as he pissed his fatigues. “Well, Commander. When the going get tough, the tough go rogue!” I said.
“No, Sarah! No!! Don’t go rogue! You may accidentally spread freedom all over the Middle-East; thereby, spreading all across the globe!!”
Fucking military bureaucrats. Always wanting to prevent the mass assimilation of freedom. Nay, I say. When Sarah Palin wants the world to eat from the tree of liberty and find shelter from the harsh sun under the mighty oak that is freedom, Sarah Palin…well…Sarah Palin does it! Freedom and liberty, that is.
“Sarah, you’re not seriously considering going after Osama bin Laden by yourself?!” said the pissy pantsed Commander.
“You bet’cha,” I said as I leaped off the mountain top, using the skin of many dead terrorists as a parachute.
Holy shit! That reads the way freedom tastes!
