Excerpts From a U.S. History Textbook (From Texas)

This weekend was a wild one as news from Texas spread like wild fire across the country: “Texas Conservatives Win Curriculum Change” said the New York Times; “Texas Textbook MASSACRE: ‘Ultraconservatives’ Approve Radical Changes To State Education Curriculum” said the Huffington Post; “Liberals Seek to Alter History” probably said Fox News.

Yes, it seems that conservatives in Texas have gained the right to “add balance” to history, as it was put by Dr. Don McElroy, the leader of the conservative faction on the Texas Board of Education. And what’s the best way to add balance when history has shown that your view on the actual events that have taken place throughout time is the patently incorrect one? Simple, just make that shit up and scream it about loud long enough for people to accept it as truth. And what better way to have your slanted view on the world become accepted by a whole generation of kids than by forcing text book publishers rewrite history to fit said world view.

We managed to get our hands on some excerpts from a few text books that are undergoing some conservative revisions. America’s future is going to be a mighty one. Or, we’re all going to be slowing rotting away in a nuclear winter. You know, whatever.

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Thomas Jefferson: The Founding Father That No One Liked

Everyone should by now be well aware of Jefferson’s passion for taking God’s name in vain as he fornicated with his slaves, as it was covered in chapter 4. We will now dive deeper in to how this slave fornication and blaspheming was nothing more than an attempt to tear apart the very fabric of the Christian Nation™ we are today.

You see, Jefferson suffered from a lack of love in his heart, and for good reason. His mother was a wench of the highest order, and his father was a drunken buffoon of a sailor.  When these two mighty dregs of society came together one fateful night beneath the crickety steps of a 2-story whore house (which today is a Howard-Johnson’s), they would, 9-months later, spawn America’s first anti-America American.

Being raised by a whore caused some severe damage to little Thomas’ mind. It was with her that he first developed the wicked idea of the separation between church and state. This came about after Thomas’ mother had banged her way through a gaggle of farmers that were enjoying a night on the wild streets of downtown Virginia’s red light district. Thomas’ mother had promised little Thomas that is he were to sit quietly in the hallway while mommy “gives these dudes a proper plowing…and yes, that’s a sex/farming euphemism,” that he would be rewarded with a trip to the local dealer of sweets. Some time passed and much sex was had. When his mother stumbled out of the bed room with a bit more semen than usual running down her wide gated legs, they out they went to the dealer of sweets.

While walking the streets, a local lawman and priest named Robert Gates (imagine an eagle crossed with a human crossed with an American flag) had Thomas’ mother arrested and sent to prison, where she would spend the remainder of her days. The details of the arrest have been lost to history, but one can assume that she either A) over-charged by a great deal (today known as price gouging. Then known as vaginal gouging), or B) God was not fond of her blaspheming during sex, so Gates punished her for hurting God’s feelings.

In the opinion of the authors of this text book, the reality is probably closer to a hybrid of the two.

Left to fend for himself as a street urchin, little Thomas vowed to seek revenge on both the church and the state for imprisoning his mother.

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The Free Market: Couldn’t Hurt A Fly

Left unchecked and free of governmental chains, Capitalism™ can do no harm to any man, woman, or child of nearly any race. Only with Capitalism™ can a nation rise above the shackles of government imposed slavery. As an example of the beauty of the free market, look no further then the Snuggie you’re currently wearing in class. Fuckin’ awesome, right?

The idea that the free market must be regulated to protect American citizens is a myth on par with Civil Rights and the entire Clinton administration. Without pure Capitalism, private insurers wouldn’t have opened up their hearts given nearly free healthcare to all American citizens. Without the free market, corporations wouldn’t have realized the error of their ways, and they wouldn’t have ever decided to put people first.

To put this all another way, let’s use the Health Care debate from the early years of President Nobama’s™ time in office. Much was made of the private health insurance industry and their uncaring attitude towards offering affordable healthcare to citizens. What the left wing of American politics won’t tell you, though, is that the health insurance industry was just about to lower their rates like true patriots when the big bad government stepped in and told them that they couldn’t do it on their own – that the government was going to do it for them.

For the next year, the private health insurers did nothing…out of protest. Sure, they held the power to change the entire system on their own and in one fell swoop, but they did nothing…For America™. And, as history has clearly showed, the moment the healthcare bill was defeated, the healthcare industry ended their protest and collectively decided to cover every legal America citizen out of the kindness of their hearts. Every bonus that would normally have gone to an executive so he/she (mostly he) could pay for the world’s 2^nd biggest yacht that has big doors that conceal a fleet of jet skies and the world’s 1^st biggest yacht, went directly to the American people.

Ain’t The Free Market Grand?™

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Reagan: Like Jesus, But Also Like A Cowboy

As was covered in chapter 7, Hollywood liberals are the true face of evil. They lie, they manipulate reality, they toy with your emotions, and they’re all self-important wack jobs that should have no opinion on how America is governed. Except for Ronald Regan, the grandfather of modern day American conservatism.

What Regan did for America is immeasurable.  Sadly, liberals will try to measure it whenever possible. They’ll say such slanderous things like “138 Regan officials were investigated, indicted, or convicted during his administration, the most of any administration ever.” To that we say TURN AROUND! THERE’S A MONSTER BEHIND YOU!!!!

Oooh, man. That could have been bad for you! Good thing you turned around fast enough to scare that monster away! You’re like America™: fast, nimble, and not afraid to fight a monster.

Anyway, what were we saying? Oh, yeah. Regan, he was the shit. Communism? He made it fall by looking at it real hard and occasionally twitching his left eye all crazy-like. The economy? Pfft! Let’s put it this way, he did such a good job with his 1981 Tax Cuts™ and his theory of Trickle-Down Economics™ that we’re still feeling the effects of those decisions today.

…

Yeah, that’s totally what we wanted to say.

Regan made it legal again to be a patriot. He made liberty taste better by adding a spritz of lime. He made freedom even more free by handing out coupons for 1 free freedom with every purchase of a freedom that you got for free. He made being rich pretty damn awesome, and being power even awesomeer because of the flood of delicious Crack that poured in to inner cities. He taught homosexuals a thing or two about personal responsibility when he did next to nothing to slow the spread of HIV.

Yep, Regan was kind of amazing. His legacy will be remembered now and forever, especially when we’re all living in the United States of Regan and eating bowls of Regan-O’s for breakfast every day. If both of those things sound like major impositions on American society, then we’re preemptively blaming democrats for them starting riiiiiiiight NOW!\

See? We just wrote some history before it even happened.