Even More Uses For A Used Placenta!!

If you swung by Funny Crave a couple of days ago, you probably read this story about a man that converts human placentas in to loveable teddy bears. If you’re not sure if you read the story, then just check around your computer workstation for vomit stains. If they’re there, then you read it.

Today, we have yet another entry in to what we can only assume is a hot new placenta-related trend. Two injured Liverpool football players (soccer players for those stateside), Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio, are so desperate to find a miracle cure for what ails them that they have taken off to Serbia where they can be nursed back to health by a woman named Marijana Kovacevic. Kovacevic is a “doctor” that employs the usage of a controversial new healing process that involves injecting a patient with horse placenta, then massaging the wounded area for hours at a time.

But it’s not only these two star players that are making the pilgrimage to see Kovacevic. Literally dozens of footballers are making the journey to get injected with something that fell out of a horse’s vagina.

Seeing as we’ve now heard about 2 alternative uses for placentas in less than a week, the Funny Crave accounting office suggested to us that we should jump on this alternative-usage-of-placentas bandwagon by trying to come up with some ways we can make money off of it.

Last night we stayed up till the wee hours of the morning brain storming about all of the different things we can do with placentas now that we know that people are dumb enough to do anything you tell them to do with them.

Here’s what we got…

1)      Placenta anti-aging cream – Okay, so this cream isn’t so much as a “cream” as it is a dodge ball canon that rapid-fires Zebra placentas at dangerously high speeds, and directly at a person’s face. There is no science to support the usefulness of this treatment. But if you believe it will work, it will. It may also cause blindness and intense placenta-induced concussions.

2)      Erectile Dysfunction Medication – If you’re just about to bed a foxy lady, but your penis just doesn’t have its head in the game, you may turn to your trusty bottle of Viagra to aid you. But, Viagra is too slow. By the time you’re standing at attention you’re foxy lady could be on her way out the door, while mocking you. That wouldn’t have happened had you rubbed an entire Giraffe placenta on your junk. You see, the Giraffe placenta is loaded with minerals and nutrients that give your penis the natural lift it needs.  And, here’s a little known fact, Viagra actually contains some of these same Giraffe placenta nutrients. Also, we’re almost certain that isn’t true.

3)      Placenta baby carrier – While in the womb, babies use the placenta to take in nutrients. Why not honor this miracle organ by converting it in to a baby sling that wraps around your chest, leaving ample room for the baby to be held around your heart at all times. There’s nothing more fashionable to a woman than carrying a baby within a hunk of their own semi-decomposed innards.

4)      Placenta porn – this idea is pretty simple, really: get a placenta to write and direct a full-length porno. We figure if they can “cure” a sports injury, then a placenta can understand the 3 act screenplay structure, and manage a bustling set of workers, all while yelling “Don’t Cum! DON’T CUM!!”