Europe Bans Light Bulbs; Hates Citizens
By Ian Fortey
The European Union has shown its true colors by rising forth like an angry beast of intolerance and probably forced buggery to validate all the fears every conspiracy theorist wary of a one world government has ever had. Incandescent lightbulbs have been banned throughout the Union without mercy. How long until SUVs are banned? How long until homosexual Asians are banned? How long until you are banned? Shit, you’re probably banned right now. Italy wants you dead, man. Dead!
As of September 1st, incandescent bulbs are as welcome in Europe as soccer is in the US, which is to say if they do show up, people will call them gay, give them a chance for a good 15 minutes of unbridled boredom and then simply walk away. The ban comes as part of a plan to make the whole continent more energy efficient because Europeans love to have lights on all the damn time so they can look at themselves in mirrors while they masturbate. It’s all that happens in Portugal. But now they have to do it with those curly looking energy efficient bulbs on.
Undoubtedly hundreds if not several more hundreds of hard working light bulb smiths and street side bulb vendors are now homeless and sucking dick to make ends meet and it’s all thanks to the Queen and her assorted cronies like the King of Spain and the Duke of Earl and whatever other inbred types run that part of the world, all of whom are either decidedly vampiric and allergic to light or, just as likely, completely evil. They are totally completely evil vampires.
Rumor has it people are hoarding 100 watt bulbs, which are now illegal to produce or import into the UK and other countries, desperately hoping to continue their mirror-side masturbatory antics once the sun goes down with bright, vivid lighting and not that kind of dull white shit you get from energy efficient bulbs which is a real boner killer. But the bulbs will only last so long and once they’re gone, it’s only a matter of time before Europe tries to come after trousers and, very likely, us here at FunnyCrave. If we ever go offline, you’ll know what happened. Europe. Fucking Europe.
