Elizabeth Taylor’s Twitter Ravings

Liz Taylor, who you’ll be surprised to learn is still not only alive but capable of typing, recently saw Michael Jackson’s film This is It and, in a totally unbiased way, not influenced by the death of Jackson or her own off the charts madness, decided to Tweet some opinions.

If you scour the internet (which is to say go to Twitter and read them) you’ll run afoul of little gems like “It is the single most brilliant piece of filmmaking I have ever seen” and “I truly believe this film should be nominated in every category conceivable.”  It’s possible that Taylor had meant to hit Num Lock on her computer at some point but instead hit Hyperbole Lock.  We may never know.  But what we do know is she had many more Tweets not just about the movie but about her whole day that have mysteriously disappeared.  But not before one of our interns copied some down and masturbated to them.  So here they are (minus the masturbation.)

- This movie made me void my bowels with such force, the theatre had to rope off the seat and have a crew come in and remove it with power tools.  I fucked up the seat that badly.

- The popcorn in the lobby was buttered.  It was so greasy, I want it to win the award for most greasiest thing I have ever eaten.  I love you all.

- The ladies room had a French vanilla air freshener.  Never in my life have I experienced something as transcendent as the bouquet of urine and French Vanilla.  I can die happy.

- One of the ushers at the theatre was better than Jesus at ushing.  Praise be the Usher!

- All my pills look so wonderful today!  I love my little pills!  Hello green ones!  Hello red and yellow ones!  Hello white ones!

-The floor is so sticky here, I feel like the Pope and Buddha and Al Sharpton together couldn’t make a stickier floor!

- The man next to me has rather remarkable gas.  I’m reminded of a young Yul Brynner.  Today is the best day of my life.

- My cat Mittens is probably the greatest living thing on the planet in the history of ever and has done more for the cause of black people in America than anyone past, present or future.