Election Day, November 2009: How to Vote When You Have No Clue Who’s on The Ballot

Today is Election Day in certain parts of the country. Governors, County Clerks, mayors, superintendents, maybe even a class president or two are up are all vying for your precious vote so they can inevitably backtrack on every single one of their promises once in office. It’s the democratic process at its most beautiful, and it’s most confusing. You see, there are a lot of people to vote for out there and you’re a busy business person with a big suitcase filled with documents and stock reports and extra power ties just in case you stain your first power tie. You either can’t be bothered with researching every person on the ballot, or you just don’t have the time due to all of your intense business-ing. So we here at Funny Crave are going to make your decisions for you easier for you by imparting a little voting wisdom.

You’re an American. You’re gut instinct is a much better gauge then your brain will ever be. That’s what genetically sets Americas apart from the rest of the world. When you make some pancakes you don’t read the instructions. They require you to conform to “Big Pancake” and their oppressive pancaking ways. So, as an American, you say “To Hell with instructions!” as you mix ½ cup pancake mix with 7 eggs and a quart of water. Sure, the pancakes might suck, but you followed your gut and you didn’t let that pesky brain make any decisions for you. You rock!

So, with this American mentality in mind (more like American… guttallity?), here are some tips and tricks for forgoing all that “research” and “knowledge,” and just picking a candidate based on pure gut thoughts.

1)      It’s all in the name: Some people have awesome names. There’s a dude on Fox News with the name Charles Krauthammer. What?! Awesome. Sure, he may be a raging lunatic, but who cares? Krauthammer! He’s like an American superhuman that was let out on to the battlefield during WW2 that was genetically designed to kick some Nazi ass. Sure, he’s not running for anything. Like, at all. But the same principal applies. If you see a name on the ballot that’s anything like Charles Krauthammer, like, say, Chuck Beefshanks, or Eva Knifenstein, or Battle Von Punchsploder, then you vote for them immediately. Screw their ideas and their stances on the issues! The name says enough. If there happens to be two people with badass names running for the same office, then just choose the one that sounds the most painful. Example: Julie Testimash > John Footenarse.

2)      It’s all in the face: One thing that could aid in your gut’s decision making is looking at a picture of the candidate. With this one you can either go one of two ways: 1) pick the person that looks like they’ve spent most of their time in doors with their faces buried in very thick books, or 2) go for the person that looks like they’ve stabbed themselves a few times just to know what pain felt like. Either way, you’re getting a good candidate.

3)      Completely random: Uh-oh! It’s time for your Trig test and you forgot to study! What do you do?! Simple: bubble “C” straight down that scantron. Believe it or not, you can do the same for candidates. If you take a look at the ballot and you realize that you are truly lost, then just pick a certain number, say, 2, then just bubble in every 2^nd candidate in every race. Or, to create an environment where you are allowing your gut instincts to truly flourish, just close your eyes and randomly select a candidate. The reason this works so well is because you’re an American. As an American, you think the forces of the universe will guide your hand to the correct choice, more specifically, the forces of the universe that tell your gut what to do will guide your hand to the correct choice. Why would your gut – and, by proxy, the universe — lie to you?