Eggs boiled in children’s urine to take the world by storm? Answer: No. No, they won’t

If you created a machine whose sole purpose was to slam together random words and spit out rhetorical questions that nobody would ever want the answers to, let alone ever want to think about, one of the first questions it would give you is “Eggs boiled in children’s urine to take the world by storm?”

This absurd sentence was a recent headline from the U.K.’s Metro.co.uk, and the accompanying article was, as you could have guessed, about traditionalist chefs in Dongyang, Zhejiang province, in eastern China. As the article states, “Spring eggs hard boiled in children’s urine have been a treat in this part of China for thousands of years and now culture officials want to take it worldwide.”

Now, folks, I always root for the underdog in any given scenario. I still think the 2007 movie Underdog is going to top Avatar as the highest grossing film of all time. But I’d be lying if I said I’m rooting for eggs boiled in kid piss to march across the world as a new delicacy. And besides, I have a bad track record with trendy, underground food items. I hopped on the previous trendy food train of artichokes sautéed in hobo semen, and I was disappointed to say the least.  Those artichokes really overpowered the hobo semen. I just don’t think the world is ready for eggs boiled in the urine of children, mostly because we in the west don’t like the idea of vicariously molesting children via eggs that swam in their urine.

Apparently, the urine is collected from local schools where the students “pee in buckets and we collect it fresh every day,” and, according to traditionalist Chef Lu Ming, “the very best comes from boys under 10 years old.”

Mmm. Don’t 10-year-old boys always give you their very best…in terms of eggs boiled in their urine? I know they do for me. I have a farm of children pissing in buckets in my back yard. Sometimes I even boil eggs with it. Other times? Well, let’s just say not so much.

Chef Lu Ming was also quoted saying, “We are having a big export push because we want people outside China to fully appreciate the delicacy of our cuisine.” Sadly, they have a big mountain to climb, as FunnyCrave is now receiving reports of children as young as 5 playing in sandboxes while chanting:

Me Chinese,

Me play joke,

Me pour pee-pee in your yolk.