Drunk Lady Steals Ambulance and Makes News Worth Watching
By Ian Fortey
In all honesty, 9 days out of 10 you don’t need to watch the news. Current events often suck and/or are depressing. There’s murders, there’s wars, there’s old ladies selling crack, it’s really nothing you need to be kept firmly abreast of. But every so often the world throws you a curve ball and suddenly watching the news is awesome again, so long as you’re not watching FOX because odds are they’re lying anyway.
Anyway, somewhere around Oklahoma, there was a lady. This lady was restless. Super restless. So one night (a couple days ago if you’re reading this when it was posted) this lady got plastered. Just shitfaced. And she wandered out into the night until she spotted the local hospital where some careless soul had simply left an ambulance of all things. And she got in that ambulance and thought “where’s that dude I used to date? Different town? Let’s go!” and so she stole that ambulance and drove her drunk ass to a different town where she parked on a lawn and was promptly arrested.
Now that story is pretty cool. It’s not great, but it’s amusing. It’s missing boobs or fireballs or whatever else Michael Bay uses to convince people to watch his movies, but it’s a good basis for the sequel to Transformers. If the chick was Megan Fox and the ambulance turns into a robot, it’s entirely possible it will be Transformers 3 (in fairness, we’re pretty sure Megan Fox has been fired and will not be in Transformers 3, but you get the idea). But the story doesn’t end there.
KOCO TV is on the ball. The local news affiliate heard about this drunken ambulance thief and showed up on the scene in time to interview the alleged booze hound and very likely this is going to win KOCO some kind of award. A Pulitzer, a Peabody, an Emmy, a Grammy, maybe all of them.
Sadly we can’t embed the video because KOCO TV realized how fucking awesome this clip was and doesn’t want it spreading around the internet, so you have to click through and watch it on Youtube but frankly, it’s worth it. It’s worth it to get to 1:05, that golden moment when KOCO scoops everyone else with an exclusive interview. For those who can’t be bothered to watch, we’ll try to capture the magic here – “I had, uh, the ambulance. And I had a pretty good time driving it.”
Even more alluring is the promise that a half hour after this was broadcast, there was a longer interview. Why the hell isn’t that on the internet yet?
