Dragon Age: Origins Brings Gay Elf Sex to Console Gaming

The internet is all abuzz with the most intense thing to happen to gaming since Mario used toad as a butt plug at the end of Super Mario 3 (did no one else find that odd?  It was totally unexpected).  Dragon Age: Origins, the snazzy new fantasy RPG that has commercials on TV and everything gives users way more options than Link ever got in his never ending quest to find that ditzy Zelda broad.  Namely, gay sex.  Gay, down by the fire in a camp full of fully armored soldiers elf sex.  Imagine if in Lord of the Rings at the battle of Helms Deep, Aragorn decided to boink Legolas.  And for some reason it was your decision to make it happen, because we’ll say you’re Peter Jackson.  That’s kind of what’s going on here.

If you can’t see the video, you’re really missing out but we’ll try to recap.  An elf modeled after a skinny Christina Ricci and voiced by Puss n Boots from Shrek (or Antonio Banderas, for you purists) is apparently the son of a whore and an assassin.  So far that describes half of California.  But wait!  Through some clever dialog choices on your part, you can smoothly talk this fellow into a creepily animated gay cut scene.  Is it creepy because it’s gay?  No, it’s creepy because it’s a video game sex scene with an offputting elf man.  And it takes place in or near a camp full of soldiers.  How do you not get harassed for that?

Also worthy of note is the epic music that plays in the background during what we’re forced to assume is a nipple sucking scene.  Maybe it’s just licking, or perhaps he’s flossing with chest hair, the nature of the activity doesn’t really matter all that much at this point.

People are understandably upset about this happening in a video game.  If we allow this sort of behavior, what’s next?  Video games with straight sex?  Maybe drug use?  Robberies?  You may want to sit down for this, but it’s not impossible that one day someone could make a video game that depicts murder.  Actual, stabby murder.

Two staffers at FunnyCrave actually just shat with incredulity at the very prospect of murders in games, citing the string of popular “Larry the Butt Pirate” games from the 80’s that were available on the Super Famicom featuring the titular Larry the Butt Pirate in a series of increasingly bizarre predicaments that were all invariably solved by him having gay sex with someone and how no games featuring death or foul language occurred from that point until the present, but still, the possibility is out there.

So this holiday season, when you’re out shopping for a video game, remember.  You could buy Dragon Age: Origins, but if you do, who knows what insidious behavior you’ll be supporting.  Today it’s gay elf sex.  Tomorrow it could be tranny dwarves.  Do you want that?  Do you?