After reading hundreds of drunk Vegas stories and thousands of crazy drug trip reports, we realized two things. First, our jobs are bad-ass; second, there aren’t a lot of drug trip reports from the heart of Sin City. We couldn’t help but wonder if this was a function of people not being able to remember/type/blink after a Las Vegas trip, or if the tons of new hotels (we count seven) have somehow put the kiebash on developing a healthy fear and loathing in Las Vegas.

We decided to have a few drinks while ruminating on the matter. When we woke up, as luck would have it, we were in Las Vegas. Although, it wasn’t really that lucky, because we were in Las Vegas when we passed out. We stumbled out onto the strip to find out exactly the deal with tripping balls and the new hotels. Here is our guide to doing drugs in the newest swanky Vegas casinos.

The Wynn

According to Wikipedia, the Wynn’s theme is “imperfect dreams.” We quickly noticed that it is impossible to get totally inebriated there on any substance, as management is always walking up to you and talking. Not only that, but they are trying to get you to sign up for a “players club” card, which involved interaction on our part, as well. Apparently, we needed to give our name, phone number, e-mail address, and hotel. Honestly, it took us like five minutes to figure out we weren’t talking to a cop.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 1 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: Anything to help with social anxiety, because otherwise you’re screwed.

Encore

Encore is owned by the same guy that owns the Wynn, we forget his name. However, Encore has way trippier butterfly carpeting, so it gets a point, there. However, inside, it’s more of the same thing- casino employees approaching you for reasons other than to give you free drinks.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 2 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: What do boring, rich people take to get high? Cocaine, we guess, but you’re going to need a bunch.

The Palazzo

Although not associated with the Wynn or the Encore, the Palazzo has the same butterfly-style carpeting. This means it’s the exact same hotel if you’re on any drug that makes it impossible to lift your head.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 3 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: We don’t really know, at this point we’re starting to wonder if all the newest casinos are totally squarebear. Just do the rest of your coke from Encore.

Aria

Hard to tell from the photo, but the Aria’s theme is “we pump vanilla scent into the vents until you want to throw up.” With multiple candy stores, it’s not a bad place to get the munchies, but you’re gonna have to love vanilla. Like, “let it do things to you that you’re not comfortable with” love.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 3.5 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: Weed, if that even counts as a drug. Doesn’t matter, you’ll be plenty high on vanilla.

Vdara

After stumbling in and out of different doorways, we finally learned that Vdara’s theme is “we don’t have a casino.” This pretty much puts a stranglehold on any goofy antics.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 0 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: Cyanide

After getting a huge sampling of these new casinos and hotels, we can definitively conclude that they are not conducive to wild Vegas mental rides. To illustrate what we mean, here are two reviews of not-so-new, but oh-so-trippy casinos.

The Mirage

Coming into the Mirage is like entering a jungle. There’s even a Volcano. One can scream their heads off in the trees and pool area for hours without security giving a care.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 9 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: A 2C, obviously, but we found there’s a pretty good e party if you go deep enough into the jungle.

The Bellagio

From the erupting fountains to the giant psychedelic foyer ceiling, the Bellagio has a “put on your best suit and tie your head up with acid” vibe. It’s even got a giant area with both real plants and fake giant plants, mushrooms, and insects. The only problem was the giant mirrored area on the second floor, where we found a bunch of woe-ridden trippers unable to walk away or even shift their gaze.

Overall Rating as a Drug Trip Location: 10 (out of 10)

Preferred Drug to Take, There: “Magic” mushrooms. It’s a wonder you can’t take a bite out of the walls and get high.