Disney Offers Refunds on Baby Einstein Videos; Babies: “These things suck.”

Disney has finally admitted that the Baby Einstein video series is about as useful to your baby’s intellect as watching Fox News is to enhancing an adult’s intellect (provocative topical reference! Huzza!).

As you can see in the video, Disney thinks dozing off to sleep is a form of intelligence building. If this were true, the entire Funny Crave staff would have skipped high school and gone straight to Harvard where we would have slept our way to a Magnum Cum Laude distinction.

The video series, originally created to stimulate tiny baby brains, are nothing more than a camera pointed at wind chimes and various trinkets purchased from a Sharper Image, all set to the timeless music of Beethoven and Mozart that has been made non-timeless by what was probably a Bert & Ernie themed keyboard made for children ages 3 months-3 years, but played by an adult male ages 47-53.

The idea behind it was simple: plop your kid in front of the TV and let them stare at the screen, mesmerized, for hours. This would somehow make them smarter.  Again, we at Funny Crave were doing this from infancy to just this morning and, we hate to break it to you, but we are not working on the next space shuttle. We’re internet comedy writers. Our office attire is the rough equivalent of a hobo’s office attire, and we take naps throughout the day the way most people call up clients and do paper work. Also, we take numerous masturbation breaks as to “clear our heads to allow the comedy to flow.” Some of our smoke breaks involve dirty needles, and a power lunch can very easily turn in to a highly contested bologna flinging match. Granted, none of us were raised on the Baby Einstein series, but the basic principles that apply to the video series also apply to Ninja Turtles and Transformers.

Perhaps the most bizarre trait of the Baby Einstein series is that fact that many of the shots in the videos were of children’s toys that mysterious disembodied hands were playing with. Showing a baby a video of someone else playing with an awesome toy is like showing a starving man a video of someone else eating a thick, juicy steak. It’s just cruel, and very pointless. How about giving the kid some kind of tactile information to process instead of turning them into lazy, soon-to-be overweight couch potatoes that get most of their knowledge of human existence from television?  Save some money by skipping the videos and just by them the damn toys. Sure, their baby minds can barely process thoughts of unfairness, but deep down, that baby knows you’re an asshole for making it watch someone else have fun. If babies could understand and demonstrate the concept of “WTF?!” they’d be tossing their baby hands in to their air and pointing to a totally kickass play set of a castle while goo-goo and gaa-gaa’ing the baby equivalent of “Seriously, dude? SERIOUSLY?!”