Didn’t You Hear? Earth Was Destroyed by an Asteroid This Past Friday

Ladies and Gentlemen, Funny Crave channel 8 news viewers, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but…uh…we’re all dead. This isn’t some kind of trick, nor is it a goof. You, me, your neighbors, my camera guy Ted, we’re all dead…or will be as soon as the marauders complete their raids on local supermarkets and turn their hungry sights to other humans as a steady supply of protein.

As you may or may not be aware, asteroid 2009 TM8 just passed only 216,000 miles from Earth, or, at least that’s what scientists thought was going to happen this past Friday night. It turns out that that report was bullshit and some unforeseen solar wind blew the asteroid juuuuust enough – just a tiny little bit to the left – just enough to kill us all. Thanks universe. I hate you so much right now.

“It’ll be a close call,” said one scientist. “It would create a 4 kiloton explosion in the Earth’s atmosphere if it were to hit, which of course it won’t,” said another lab coat wearing asshole that was totally fucking wrong. That guy was sooo wrong. Not only did that sum bitch hit us, but 4 kiloton explosion? My ass! Please! I’m sure they felt that shit on Pluto! It rocked the shit straight out of my pooper! I haven’t even changed my underwear because, like, who gives a shit? Who am I trying to impress? You know, with everyone being dead and all? God, I’m so fucking depressed, you guys. You have no clue. Unless, you know, you’re amongst the billions of dead. Then I’m pretty sure you’re just as, if not more, railed up then me about this whole apocalypse thing. Fuck. So mad.

Where were the space drillers that were supposed to nuke the fuck out of that cocksucker of a space rock? Where were the giant Arks that were to transport humans off of earth? I’ll tell you where, fucking nowhere! I’m so let down by humans. We suck. Seriously. We deserved this. We couldn’t even get one nuke up there to do anything about it because we were all worried about that fucking balloon kid and his shitty dad. Fuck them! Want some great news? Do you want news that will make you laugh a hardy laugh that will probably make you inhale a lethal amount of dust? Okay, here it is: that balloon kid and his shitty dad are fucking dead! Yeah, totally fucking dead! Killed. By what? Oh, just the giant fucking asteroid that the 24-hour news stations ignored just to cover that family’s shitty attempt at getting a reality TV show. Their news coverage obscured the news of an asteroid barreling toward earth like the moon eclipsing the sun, or, better yet, the earth being covered in an impenetrable layer of dust that will doom us all. I, for one, am glad they’re dead. Fuck’em.

Well, I guess that’s all the news that fit to print or whatever the fuck it is I used to say before we everything died. So, I guess, like, find shelter, and be with your loved ones even if they’re corpses and shit. Hunker down and be safe, or just put some bullets in your brain because it’s all fucked. Let’s just hope that that asteroid didn’t have some alien life forms living on it, because how the fuck are we supposed to fight them off now?

Christ. In such a bad mood because of this end of the world thing.