Nothing is quite so sad as a man, whose soul still churns up ancient ideas of chivalry and politeness, courtesy and the will to do right who, after a night of drunken shenanigans on the dance floor with co-workers in an exotic locale, wakes up one morning and realizes that, while dancing, he was sporting a glaring-as-neon-lights-in-Vegas erection and then forces himself to apologize.  Weeks later.

Your coworker does not want your belated erection apology.  She felt bad enough when your Southern Comfort breath rolled over her as you told her how hot she is and your little friend poked her in the thigh like a menacing torso finger intent on letting her know how smoking hot her ass looks.  She got away from you quickly and efficiently and that was that.  Bringing it up again only reminds her of why she doesn’t want to be around you.  And, moreover, it makes her take a questioning look at all other men around her.  At work, on the street, out at clubs and restaurants.  Thanks, Uncontrolled Erection Guy, you just fucked us all with that boner of yours.

The fact is, the rest of us try awfully hard to conceal those erections from view because an erection is the sexually explicit equivalent of shitting yourself.  Would you shit yourself in public?  Would you be all “Hey, Getrude, that’s a really swinging hairdo.  Oops, I shat!” and proceed to expose said shat?  No.  Fuck no.  Cut that out.

All shat all the time

All shat all the time

If you have erections, be they natural or chemically induced, then you need to know how to manage the damn things.  If you’re reading this and you’re 12 years old, I forgive you.  You’re new at this game and probably need this advice more than anyone.  You are the innocent wielder of wood.  But the rest of you, you grown men, you men who may be married with families, creepy old guys all hopped up on Viagra wielding liver-spotted, shriveled old wang like so much forgotten beef jerky or corner store pepperettes, you’re making us all look bad.

There is a proper time and place to let a woman know you’re turned on by her.  In fact, that proper time and place could be any place at any time.  Did the office skank follow you into the bathroom?  Maybe standing at the urinal is the right time, let her have a shake and see what she thinks.  But it’s not every place at every time.  The dance floor is fine if she’s down for that.  But did you read her right or are you just so blitzed on jager-bombs you now looks like a sexual deviant?  Think hard on that.

Not all women are complimented by being poked by an erection.  It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know, but it’s true.  Yet other women may be happy with this particular display of affection, but only after some manner of courtship has been established. These are keepers.  Always form close ties with women who find your erections charming.  But in a nutshell, it’s just unwise to go around popping one off and jamming it in the general direction of any warm body, this is how you make surprise friends with the homeless.

This pic is everywhere on the internet.  Now it's here.

This pic is everywhere on the internet. Now it's here.

But what to do?  You’re going to get hard anyway, right?  I certainly don’t advocate not getting hard.  Arousal is a very pleasant state of being, you should enjoy that.  The key is something you and every man around you should be totally aware of and a master of.  You must be an artful dodger.  You must be sly.  You must train your erection in the same manner a ninja trains.  It must be like the wind, never seen unless it wishes to be seen.  This can be done.  Men are doing it right now all around the globe.  Is your dad at your home right now?  He probably has a boner.  Your dad may very likely has a boner right this second.  Big dad boner, in your house.

Business men in suits that cost more than your car are trying to keep their mind on work and no one is aware of it.  Farmers in rural Africa are checking their sorghum by bending over in such a way that no one around them sees that tenting action because sorghum is fucking hot.  Plumbers are using that crack to distract you from what’s going on around the corner.  And they’re doing it successfully.  And you can too. And the steps you need to take are simple.

1 – Where is your wallet? Did you slip it in your back pocket?  Wrong!  For starters, the back pocket wallet is what makes pick pocketing a viable crime in this day and age.  Your ass, fleshy blob that it is, doesn’t feel all that much when it’s ensconced in denim or corduroy.  You’re begging to be robbed with your cash back there.  But worse yet, you’re stretching your pants with that wallet. From front to back.  That little wiggle room that manufacturers of pants give you is being strained around to your ass now because you jammed your wallet back there.  And that means when you’re pressed against an attractive woman on the subway during rush hour and she keeps bumping into you, you’re going to be noticeably stabbing her in no time because there’s little room to hide your shame now.  Is that what you want?  Answer yes if you’re one of those pervs with mirrors on his shoes but answer no if you’re a normal guy who wants to ever have sex again without paying for it.

Is this what you want?

Is this what you want?

Wallets go in front.  If you’re left handed, put it in your right pocket.  If right handed, left pocket.  This ensures you won’t be randomly jamming your hand in your pocket and knocking the wallet out by accident and it also means that you now have the most important thing to real soldiers in the field during a fire fight, and your little soldier when on the prowl: cover.  The wallet creates a giant bulge at all times.  And it’s square which means everyone knows what they’re looking at.  It’s not obscene, it’s a wallet!

When you start getting excited, a quick hand in the pocket, a poke to the right or left as necessary and Bob’s your uncle, your wallet bulge is now covering a good portion of what your erection is up to as well.  Of course, if you’re one of those freaks of nature from porn, well, you’re on your own.  No wallet is going to save you.  But for the average joe, you can walk around pretty much footloose and fancy free now.  You lucky, horny dog you.

2 – Is your perv nature working against you? Most likely, because face it, half the guys you know are dirty, dirty animals.  You may be one of them.  Don’t stop and think about it, you may try to rationalize all your filthy behavior.  Just remember this; if you’ve ever thought of doing something with a woman you were unsure about, like teabagging, a dutch oven, the shocker, and said to yourself “she’ll probably like it” without ever actually asking her, then you’re a perv.  I’m not judging, I dutch oven chicks all the time, I’m just letting you know.  And that pervness could be bad news for you.  Because that means you’re out there on the dance floor and wallet or no wallet, if you’re grinding your erection on some woman’s leg, she’s going to notice.  You have to curb that.  Ninja erection!  It must only be seen when it is ready to strike.

Self control is difficult, but if you’re someone who wants other people to have even a remotely decent opinion of them, you need it.  This is where subtle body positioning works wonders.  You lean forward slightly, you part your legs just slightly to nudge your erection over, you lean against things or sit if possible.  It’s not hard being hard.  It’s hard trying to get a woman to talk to you again after you cattle prod her around the room.

This isn't usual at all.

This isn't usual at all.

3 – Lie. Lie like a dog with no legs.  People value honesty and all that but honestly, honesty isn’t always going to work out for you.  This is especially true at work as it relates to erections.  We all have days when we’re pretty sure that burning in a kerosene fire would be better than being at work and we slack off horribly and maybe our minds wander and then bang, there goes an erection.  And you’re wearing your nice work pants and your shirt is tucked in and you know the wallet just isn’t going to cover you this time and then someone pops their head around to where you are and asks if you wouldn’t mind going to get some paper for the copier or the boss needs you or the toilet on the 6th floor is clogged or some other godawful thing that means you have to stand up or turn around.  What now?  Lie.  Lie lie lie.

From personal experience, I can assure you that lies work wonderfully and they’re so easy.  Here are some all purpose lies that few people, if any, will ever question.  If you do get questioned, I recommend an intense and disturbing silent stare as a reply, as that will make most coworkers leave.

  1. “Just give me a minute, my gout is acting up.”
  2. “I can’t right now, my anus is bleeding.”
  3. “The police are coming to question me about something, nothing you need to worry about, but I should probably stay here until they show up.  By the way, how are your children?”
  4. “I need a moment, my family just died in a kerosene fire.”
  5. “I think Don in accounting broke my foot.  Plus he tried to fuck me in the mailroom”
  6. “I think I might quit and take up beaver ranching.”
  7. “If you don’t get off my back, this whole place is going up in a kerosene fueled inferno.”
  8. My priapism is giving me trouble; I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Admittedly, not every lie is appropriate, but you get the idea.  Something to give you a few moments to concentrate on grandma doing squat thrusts or baseball or making out with Bill O’Reilly’s withered, vestigial scrotum, whatever it is you do to control the beast.