DARPA Wants To Create Immortals, Piss On Ethics

Living forever would probably suck. After a while you’ve already seen all of the best spots on earth; you’ve already had sex with all of the most beautiful women on the planet; you finally made it to the end of the “Guiding Light” DVD box set that collects all 73 years worth of episodes; and, since you can’t die, you’ve experimented with every style of suicide there is out there, just for the hell of it. After all that, you’ve got nothing to do so you hitch a ride on a rocket and launch yourself in to the sun…where you just kind of sit around and do nothing for the rest of existence.

If all of that sounds awesome to you, then you might be interested in some research that DARPA is currently conducting. As a part of their budget for next year, DARPA is funding a project that will attempt to bioengineer living creatures that can “ultimately be programmed to live indefinitely.”

The practical application for this hasn’t been made clear, but if you read the Wired.com article we linked to, you get the strange feeling that they’re not doing it to, say, create a field of grain that’s resistance to all conditions and weather. They’re probably trying to make some damned super mutant kill monsters. The kinds of creatures that roll in to a town, eating all humans they see. The kind you shoot at with the Mini-gun you keep under the counter of the gas station you own, only to have the bullets slice right through the creatures’ flesh and leave you screaming “It—it won’t DIE!! TH—THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!”

Like most crazy experiments from the world of science fiction, DARPA has included a failsafe mechanism that will almost surely fail. Without question. You’ll know it’s failed when the organism is eating you and shitting its eggs in your loved ones’ heads. But this failsafe is what they call “tamper proof.” This means that scientists will attempts to code loyalty right in to the organism’s DNA. And, if shit get’s too crazy and the organism starts to explode people’s heads the power of its brain and the missile launcher its brain is attached to, they also want to implement a self-destruct option. Which will fail. Again, you’ll know it’s failed when the immortal war mutant is strangling you with your own intestines. Then, gasping for a breath, you will ask, “b—b—b—but, why?” to which the eternal freak monster replies “Because I can…and I was bored. Living forever sucks, bro.”

In times like, we always refer back to the words of Ian Malcolm, aka, Jeff Goldblum’s character in Jurassic Park:

“Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”