Crop Circles Hold Key to Crazy Scientist’s DisappearanceBy Evan Hoovler
So, Bulgaria apparently has its own space research institute. At first glance, one may find this to to be an innocuous fact, since the Bulgarians are just as mentally capable as the rest of the world. Sadly, this is the opposite of true, as the head of Bulgaria’s space research “institute” recently claimed that aliens are everywhere.
Crop circles, long discredited as a hoax, were cited as evidence by the Bulgarian magistrate. Shortly after, the man lost contact with the entire world. This mystery leads us to reexamine crop circles, searching for any hidden meaning we may have missed, before.
Initially, we thought this might be an alien sun. Now, we realize it is a complex series of directions on how to make a three-dimensional structure. When completed, the structure will either by a passageway into a wormhole, or a child’s pinwheel toy, we’re not sure.
This is obviously a desperate plea from ancient aliens, saying “you can’t desalinize ocean water, it contains an extraterrestrial virus!” Sadly, they only got to write the apostrophe in “can’t” before getting bored and giving up.
Aliens, for all of their advanced evolution and technology, are always hung up because of their extremely small genitalia. Here, an alien spacecraft has traveled light years only to brag to earth that their species has three testicles.
Not all alien imagery is meaningful, some is just scribbled graffiti. This crop circle represents an alien communicating that “hey, I just took a monster rip off this fifteen-chambered alien bong. Here, let me draw it for you in this field.”
This circle has three points, all of which sort of resemble radio towers. The four circles represent soccer balls. This is a plea from aliens for us to stop beaming up historical broadcasts stuff, and give them some World Cup Soccer highlights.
This bad boy tells us all about alien female breasts. Or rather, we should say “breast,” because there’s obviously only one. But what a mammary it is. There’s a nipple, then the areola, then there’s like some sort of super-freaky extra areola! The whole thing connects with some sort of conical breast, like Madonna’s bra’s in the 1980s.
Aliens can be kind of annoying, as well. This crop circle is an expression of a clock, indicating the time until the apocalypse. The aliens who made it have come to Earth to convince everyone to embrace Jehovah before the rapture deems it too late.
Here is another desperate plea from aliens to humans. This one says, “has anyone seen my keys? Here, I’ll draw a picture of them. This is what they look like, only the real ones are only three inches long. I dropped them somewhere in this twenty-mile wheat field, come help me look.” Could this be where Bulgaria’s super-cool space guy has disappeared to? We suspect he’s somewhere like this, but with much more fermented wheat.