Crazy Man Makes Teddy Bears Out of Placentas

The placenta is the part of the female body that supplies a fetus with all of the oxygen and nutrients it needs while in the womb. It’s also the part of the body that falls out of your lover’s vagina, looking like a big ball of compressed hatred and evil.

In some cultures, it is customary to eat the placenta after the birth. This supposedly serves three purposes: 1) to honor the act of childbirth, 2) to resupply the woman with the nutrients she needs, and 3) to further notify the world that you are not a person that should be talked to.

Other than just throwing it away, like most doctors do, there really isn’t a whole lot of rip-roaring fun to be had with a placenta. British designer Alex Green wants to change that.

Alex has found away to turn the fleshy horrifying-ness of the placenta in to a loveable teddy bear. As of this time, we have no idea how many people Mr. Green has buried in his basement, nor do we know just who’s skin was used to make his rather large male G-string collection.

Of the placenta-made bears, Green says it’s a “crafty alternative for those who don’t necessarily want to eat their baby’s placenta , but want to pay their respects to the life-sustaining organ by turning it into a one-of-a-kind teddy bear. Green’s Twin Teddy Kit ‘celebrates the unity of the infant, the mother and the placenta,’ and enables preparation of the placenta so it may be transformed into a teddy bear.”

Call us crazy 21-century thinkers, here, but if you want to honor the placenta, how about just give it a salute? Or maybe a wink? How about just a kind wave and a respectful “thank you, placenta.” You could even buy it a $5 Starbucks gift card and just drop it in to the trash bin along with the placenta?

Green went on to say, “It was really about provoking a debate about placentas and how we treat them.”

Fuck you, man. Seriously. Debate? Really? Here’s the debate “This shit’s gross. Let’s throw it away.” Then, someone else says, “No, let’s burn it. I don’t want that thing coming to life or something. I don’t feel like getting my brains eaten.” Then, person number one says, “Yeah, you’re right. That things looks like it’s made of nightmares. Do you have a torch?”

As you’ve been reading this, you’ve probably been wondering just how someone turns a placenta in to a teddy bear. Well, have you ever made yourself a steak and some rice? It’s pretty much the same process. First you cure the placenta with some salt. Then, he softens it with some egg and tannins. Once it’s nice and soft, he sews it in to the shape of a teddy bear and then stuffs it with rice.

In other words, he made an edible, rice-stuffed placenta bear that’s fully seasoned and will probably fill your house with the foul stench of the inside of your wife’s body.

And, yes. The picture above is a placenta bear. Fuck.