The Late Night scrap-up has undoubtedly been one of the most fun public battles between multi-millionaires since John Jacob Astor and J.D. Rockefeller dueled on national radio with giant bags of money. But when the dust settles, our beloved Coco must find a new home and one particular network, Fox, is frothing at the mouth for the coup. What would a Foxy Conan look like, and should we care?  Let’s weigh the pros and cons.

Pros

The Destruction of Jay Leno

Naturally, Jay Leno is already fading, or more specifically dying. As old folks develop dementia and mistake bottle caps for their heart medication, Jay’s audience will continue to literally decay. Add to that the splash and dazzle The Whitest Man in Television brings to the same time slot and Jay loses the last people without spastic bladders he had left. Sure, Conan’s draw will pull off of Letterman’s audience a bit too, but Letterman looks more than willing to take one for the team if it means sending Jay out to pasture to consummate his love to a 1937 Hudson Custom Eight (Jay Leno Car Jokes now ½ off!).

The Destruction of “Safe” Conan

Many Conie fans, the more fair-weathered variety, didn’t follow Conan to his new time slot afraid the Red One would sand off the rough edges, or neuter the Masturbating Bear so to speak, to appeal to a different audience. Since the debacle began, Conan’s never been funnier, culminating in his Most Expensive Sketch in history in which Conan bilked NBC for 1.5 million bucks with a Buggati Veyron and the full version of the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction.” The new Conan will kick so much ass he’ll rabbit punch Safe Conan’s nut sack in the face.

Fox’s Very Very Low Expectations

It’s been a long time since the Arsenio Hall Show gave Fox it’s first and only taste of minor late night television success.  If Conan filmed his new Fox show alone, in his underwear from a seedy laundry mat while molesting an Elmo puppet he would still net more viewers in one night than the entire run of every Fox late night show since Arsenio combined.

His historical competition? Chevy Chase (canceled after 5 weeks), The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers’ Old Face, Mad TV (Sad TV? I know too easy), The Magic Hour, a talk show hosted by Magic Johnson (these aren’t the jokes, folks, just the facts) and something called Talkshow with Spike Feresten (What’s a Spike Feresten? I’ve just decided it never existed until it steps up to prove its existence).

All Conan has to do is not get a Girl Scout Troop high on Crystal Meth, take them to Bangkok to perform in donkey shows while alternately pooping on/making love to a full size replica of the Pope. And even then he might still stay on as long as he lets Frank Caliendo come on once a month to do his shitty impressions.

The Cons

Fox’s Poor Late Night Track Record

That’s right; I’m listing the same thing as a pro and a con. Life is complicated, have a cookie deal with it. People just don’t think “Fox” when they think late night. They might think of the vacuum where comedy went to die (I think it was called Mad TV) or maybe old reruns of Studs (dude, that’s was like 15 years ago, get over it, Studs is not coming back).

Bye Bye, Bear

Though there are rumblings he may get to keep some, the word is Conan’s beloved creations such as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masturbating Bear are NBC property and can’t go with Big Head.  However, we trust Conan and his writers have the boundless imagination to create new beloved characters. But will they ever match up to these timeless icons?  Does Conan have another Masturbating Bear in him? Is that a sentence that I just wrote?

No More Making Fun of NBC

Has anyone ever looked like they’ve been having more fun on TV than Conan as he obliterates his former bosses? According to what we’re hearing, when Conan leaves he’ll be barred from continuing to make NBC jokes on another network. This has nothing to do with Fox, Conan would be prohibited anywhere he went. The only way Conan would get to keep mocking NBC is if he nixed the new show idea and just did podcasts from the trunk of his 1986 Ford Taurus.

The Verdict