Chronology of Crazy – The Tom Cruise Timeline

You may have noticed Tom Cruise hasn’t been in the news much lately.  For a time there, he seemed to be everywhere, and each time he popped up he was a little more fucked up than he was before.  By2005 it seemed like he was due to show up on live TV eating his own shit and screaming about the government poisoning his water supply but then, suddenly, he vanished.  But lest you forget where he came from when he makes his inevitable mostly sane comeback in the near future, we provide this handy timeline of Cruise-related awesome.

1962 – Cruise is born Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.  It begins.  Cruise spends his youth moving around and is a devoted Catholic boy who aspired to be a priest one day.

1983 – Cruise burst into movie theaters with The Outsiders, All the Right Moves and Risky Business.  Because no one knows any better at the time, he seems pretty damn cool.  Even despite this:

Rumors of gayness will follow for the rest of his life.

1985 – Cruise takes his first romantic/action lead in Ridley Scott’s head-scratch inducing Legend.  Behold!

1987 – Cruise marries Mimi Rogers, who supposedly introduces him to Scientology.  Thanks a lot, Mimi.  Now show us your boobs.

1986 – Tom Cruise stars in Top Gun, one of the first films to usher in the era of the modern blockbuster.  Despite intensely gay scenes like beach volleyball with Val Kilmer, Cruise manages to rise to the top of his game.  Few women would dare dream of saying out loud that they don’t find Cruise to be the hottest thing alive.  1986 Cruise is the equivalent of 1999 Brad Pitt.  He is as awesome as he will ever get.  Fight Club rules.

1990 – Cruise stars in Days of Thunder as the awesomely named “Cole Trickle” which Webster’s describes as “a condition characterized by sluggish and off-kilter urination.”  The plot is almost exactly the same as Top Gun, only he stays on the ground this time.

1990 – Batshit insanity comes on like a monsoon.  Cruise renounces Christianity in favor of Scientology which he claims cured his dyslexia, disproving everyone who thought religions based around aliens strapping H-bombs to volcanoes before humans even existed were good for nothing.  Unknown if at this time he is considered Scientology Jesus or just a decent back up for Travolta, should he do something totally retarded like make Battlefield: Earth.

1992 – A Few Good Men shows us all that we can’t handle the truth.  The truth is things are on the downward turn for Cruise and shit is going to get real ugly real soon.

1996 – Stars in Jerry Maguire, a film that inexplicably earns many awards and much money despite Cruise manically yelling in what apparently was an attempt at comedy and the presence of the bloated zombie of Renee Zellwegger.  It doesn’t take long for many audience members to realize what they at first thought was a sports movie is in fact a thinly veiled chick flick starring that guy from Radio.

1999 – Cruise stars in Eyes Wide Shut.  The title is probably ironic in some way but we don’t know.  Like everyone else, we never saw the damn thing.  The same year, Cruise stars in Magnolia, which we saw but didn’t get.  Cruise refers to his cock several times on screen.

2001 – Cruise stars in Vanilla Sky.  It’s clear at this point that his star is fading.  What the fuck was going on in this movie?

Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorce.  Not since Hall and Oates disbanded has the world wept so openly.

2005 – Appears on Oprah Winfrey and engages in the sort of behavior usually reserved for people who live in bus shelters and save their own urine in jars all the while ranting about some girl named Katie Holmes who, up until this point, only the most pretentious of recent high school graduates knew anything about from days of watching Dawson’s Creek.

Same year, Cruise stars in War of the World, marking a giant “what the fuck” moment for not only cruise, but director Steven Spielberg.  Cruise is now bringing down others with him.  At the British premier, this occurs:

Cruise is blown away, unable to comprehend why such a thing would happen.  Vaudeville remains silent for fear of his wrath.

For reasons best left obscure, decides to publicly pick a fight with Brooke Shields.  Rumor has it Danny Pintauro, David Faustino and Mayim Bialik were also on his hitlist as part of a manifesto called “Has Beens I Intend to Fuck With.”  His reason for the battle?  He is a master of psychiatry and Shields weakly used drugs to cope with her problems.

Decides that psychiatry is a Nazi science and that methadone has something to do with Hitler.  Only reality dares contradict him.

Cruise has it out with Matt Lauer.  Accuses him of being glib.  Sources close to Lauer say he fears John Travolta being sent to read him lines from the movie Michael as punishment.

2006 – Makes an appearance on BET and, possibly in some misguided attempt to appeal to black people, does this

Paramount decides to end its relationship with Cruise, mentioning something about erratic behavior.  In an industry where celebrities coked out of their gourds get hospitalized and are said to be “resting from exhaustion,” the erratic behavior Paramount cited could very well mean someone caught Cruise fucking a dumpster while drinking hamster blood.  Maybe it doesn’t mean that, but it could.

Cruise purportedly breeds with Katie Holmes and publicly states his intention to eat the after birth.  No, seriously. He also claims he can cure heroin addictions, tell when people are pregnant by looking at them and derides those who would speak against him as having the “courage of madmen.”  Whatever the fuck that means.

2007 – Unconfirmed reports suggest Cruise is the Jesus of Scientology.  Less widely reported is news that Tom Arnold is the Count Chocula of shuffleboard.  No one knows what the fuck that means either.

2008 – Scientology video featuring Cruise is leaked.  Psychiatry is looking more and more necessary with each passing minute.  Likelihood that Cruise is pantless during the entire video seems very high.

Cruise stars in the film Valkyrie, gaining him some fame in Germany due to his character’s desire to kill Hitler.  Cruise is famous in Germany, but so is David Hasselhoff.

Realizing potential PR nightmare is now beyond even the powers of their massive alien brains, Scientologists replace Cruise with a duplicate robot who does the talk show circuit quietly to promote his no film and makes no waves nor eats the faces of any reporters.  All is well.  For now.

2009 and Beyond – Cruise remains relatively under the radar as word spreads of a Mission: Impossible 4 beguiling audiences with its convoluted and absurd existence.

Taking a few liberties, one can assume Cruise will invest considerable time in the near future either finding a new, 18 year old wife or chopping up his neighbors and storing them in his freezer because he read about it in some mediocre science fiction somewhere.  After which time he will make a musical about the Holocaust in which a cartoon cat and John Travolta (as himself) kill Hitler with the powers of their brains, all while Cruise ululates like some kind of tribal warrior from atop of throne made of the bones and teeth of his enemies.