Christian Side Hug: 19 Thoughts on the Worst Rap Ever

Rap, as a genre, gets a bad rap.  A lot of people associate it with crime, glorification of violence and ghetto lifestyle, misogyny, materialism, a lack of any discernible values or message and many people claim it’s not music.  Likely these people are also offended by the prevalence of “negroes” as well.  But we’re not here to debate the merits of the genre, we’re just here to give the genre a pat on the back in its time of need.  Because it’s suffering right now.

This video, as far as our extensive 10 minutes of internet research indicates, is not a joke.  This is a real Christian rap group singing a real song.  They are actually this lame

The problems with this video and song are many.  Many many many.  We need to start from the top and work our way down.

1 – It’s hard to gauge the size of this venue, but there’s actually a crowd here.  People showed up.  On purpose.

2 – Sirens and is that gunfire?  Gunfire?  From Christian rappers rapping about side hugs?  You’re not trying to tap into what you almost-too-white kids think is the correct image and exploit not just the look and the sound, but the fucking background effects of a more popular, mainstream kind of music in an effort to dupe the most intensely stupid of audiences into buying your brand of unfathomably exploitative, manipulative and therefore stunningly soulless bullshit are you?

3 – Is that The Imperial March on keyboards?

4 – “2009?”  “Awww yeah?”  “Y’all ready to party up in here?”  Is there actually a manual that shows you how to pretend to be “street” when you so clearly have no business attempting to co-op the image?

5 – Aaaaaand we just jump into the chorus.  “Gimme that Christian side hug.”  Complete with fun actions.  Say, how is this Christian, exactly?  Is this something that melts the Jew out of a person?

6 – “I’m a rough rider filled up with Christ love?”  What the fuck?  What the fuck are you silly shits even saying now?  Is the next verse just a list of catchphrases from rap culture interspersed with the word “Jesus?”

7 – Are those girls in hoodies pure?  I hope so.

8 – “This ain’t no front hug zone.”  For fuck’s sake.

9 – At 1:12 we hit motivation.  “We wanna keep our minds pure.”  And you know how front hugs lead to sodomy 9 times out of 10.  And the 10^th time?  Super sodomy (that’s when you manage to do it from the front).

10 – Goddamn you, stop saying rough rider.

11 – At around 1:30 is the point you start looking down to see how much time is left in the video.  But it’s over 4 minutes long!

12 – This guy who starts the second verse with “we be walkin’ like, we be talkin’ like” is an asshole.  He just is.  Nice fuckin’ do-rag.

13 – “I’m goin global cuz you don’t know me?”  Fuck!  FUCK!  Every single word in this song was penciled in by some nefarious accountant in a white suit, drinking milk in a white room with his albino cat, hoping to get some of that sweet, sweet functionally-retarded Christian youth market share.

14 – Democratic shift in the Congress?  Unreal.

15 – “I’m a married man.  You know I can’t hold hands.”

16 – This man requests that you do not front hug until you’re married.  Is that where we are now, as a society?  No hugging until marriage?  And hey, maybe turn the lights off when you piss from now on, don’t wanna see dick and go all gay.

17 – Jesus never hugged nobody like that?        Is that in Psalms?  Leviticus?  Corinthians?  The 185,000 images you get when you Google “Jesus hugging” must be just some Hispanic dude.

18 – Ahh, yes.  Cheering and yet more gunfire.

19 – FunnyCrave hopes everyone involved in the production and execution of this song realizes just how empty, pathetic and desperate every single facet of what they’ve created is.  And we also wish them a mild case of dysentery.  Nothing too severe though, we’re filled up with Christ love.