Child Star Train Wreck – Jodie Sweetin Edition (plus 6 more)

Likely you watched Full House back when it was on TV because it was probably the best show ever.  And by best show we mean the ultimate achievement of mankind.  Why we keep trying, I’ll never know.  You can’t top Bob Saget, John Stamos, Dave Coulier, Candace Cameron and the Olsen Twins.  Plus that fucking dog Comet and Kimmy Gibbler.  Shit that show was dope.

But often forgotten in the mix of awesome that was Full House is Jodie Sweetin, who played the middle girl, who probably had a name but whatever.  She was not awesome.  Because every pair of underwear must have a skid at some point, Full House had Jodie Sweetin.  Forgettable, awful, should have been sold to gypsies, she added nothing to the show.

Nowadays Sweetin is all grown up and has been known to show sideboob in public, so that’s cool but apparently along the way to healthy side boob she liked to frolic in wading pools full of crystal meth and cocaine even after supposedly getting sober, according to her new melodramatically written memoir.  But guess what?  She’s still dull.  So let’s lave her train wreck for a moment and take a look at some other awesome childhood actor train wrecks that (probably) happened.  Or at least could have.  Or we just made up.  Don’t judge, man.

Michael Fishman – DJ, from Roseanne, finished his work on the series and continued on with school.  In his first year of college where he was going for culinary arts, he was kidnapped by gypsies and sold into white slavery in Latvia, where he currently resides as a Pan Boy, one who must lick scraps from cookery as washing with water is considered sinful.

Soleil Moon Frye – Punky Brewster finished her run on the TV show and became an boulangerie owner in Venezuela.  Isn’t that interesting?  Oh, and she did a lot of peyote.

Danny Pintauro – Angela’s son on Who’s the Boss, notable for his complete lack of anything noteworthy, retired from acting and joined a gang.  Later, that gang discovered a talking, sentient robot that had escaped from a lab and made its way to New York to visit friends.  If you close  in this video you can see him.

Jaleel White – Steve Urkel was shot.  Repeatedly.

Ben Savage – Former Boy Meets World star spiraled into a depression after fully realizing the dread implications of being the brother of Fred Savage.  Was last seen wandering the wastes of Pennsylvania living off of trash and rodents.

Mayim Bialik – Star of Blossom and wearer of more terrible hats than should generally be allowed finished her final lines on the last day of shooting the show and then vanished.  When producers called her parents they found the line disconnected and records show her house never even existed.  But to this day if you go to where they filmed the show and say he name 5 times in a mirror, Joey Lawrence will appear and ask you for spare change.