Cheeseburgers for Cats is Wrong
By Ian Fortey
Yes, cat can has cheeseburger. And all of us are doomed because of it. Thank you very much, etsy.com, for bending over the virtual world.
For those not aware of LOLCats, I don’t believe you. I refuse to actually devote any space in this article explaining it. Get the hell of my internet.
That aside, some crafty bastard has designed a plush little catnip cheeseburger toy for cats. Look, it has a sesame seed bun and everything. God, that’s precious. And wrong. The internet must remain on the internet people, this cannot be stressed enough.
Have you ever heard someone actually say “lol”? Like out loud? Did you cringe a little? Feel your soul and balls wither just a little? That’s the much feared soul-ball connection right there. They meet somewhere in the pelvis.
Have you seen any pictures from ROFLCon? The Tron guy, maybe? Have you heard people rickrolling at a protest? Jesus Christ… Makes you feel bad, doesn’t it? And it should. It’s like whores working at a day care or chronic masturbators serving you custard in the hospital. It crosses a line. It mixes two worlds that, like oil and vinegar, suck when they’re not online anymore because the internet was designed by nuclear scientists in the 1990’s to be a haven for anonymous assholes and useless junk and porn and when you try to bring it into the real world you’re playing Jumanji with your very soul!
Like soccer moms who still say things like “phat” or “bling” or “who’s that looking in my window” some things are just awkward and awful and that message has not been delivered clearly enough. People’s sense of entitlement tells them they should enjoy everything, everywhere, all the time. Well I call bullshit. Do you eat ice cream and gin for breakfast more than 5 days a week? Rarely. Do you have sex on a bus? Rarely. Do you buy $50 worth of Taco Bell and eat it in one sitting without then going to an ER? Never. You can’t indulge every perverse whim you have, nor should you. You can’t have everything you want, it’s ridiculous. What’s next, riding a unicorn to the land of big breasted ninja masseuses?
Here’s a list of 10 rules for real life. They are not arbitrary. They’re as set in stone as the 10 Commandments and if Moses were here today he would take your cat toy and shove it up your ass.
- LOLCats stay on the internet
- Rickrolling stays on the internet
- Do not say OMG
- Do not say LOL
- Do not say Leeroy Jenkins
- Do not make Chuck Norris jokes
- This is not Sparta
- You do not have base, and they belong to no one
- Don’t put pancakes on your pets
- It’s OK if something is over 9000
