The Celebrity Apprentice Season Premier: Truffle Shuffle

If there is one thing we love here at Funnycrave, it’s horrible TV.  In that spirit, we’ve decided to start a regular feature in which we recap each episode of our favorite shitty television shows.  Original, I know.  For this first round, we decided on The Celebrity Apprentice, which has the nasty side effect of requiring me to watch The Celebrity Apprentice each week.  Because the season premier is two hellish hours long, this recap will be split into two parts.  This is going to be brutal, let’s get started.

First up, let’s get the obvious out of the way.  Who are this season’s celebrities?

• Michael Johnson – Olympic gold medalist and major dickhead if friends of mine who’ve met him are to be believed.
• Bret Michaels – No talent ass clown
• Sinbad – Recent bankruptcy superstar
• Goldberg – I wish he was Stone Cold Steve Austin so I could have some vested interest in who he is.  You see, I used to own a pair of Stone Cold Steve Austin flip flops.  In an ironic way.
• Darryl Strawberry – Legendary felon.  Played a little bit of baseball before taking up a life of crime.
• Curtis Stone – “Celebrity” chef, except I’m pretty sure nobody knows who he is.
• Rod Blagojevich – Former governor of Illinois.  Future prison rape victim.
• Sharon Osbourne – Just kill me now.
• Holly Robinson Peete – The most famous 21 Jumpstreet alum ever!  At least I think she is.  Maybe I’m forgetting someone?
• Summer Sanders – Olympic swimmer.
• Selita Ebanks – Hot piece of ass.  Used to date Nick Cannon.
• Carol Leifer – No idea.
• Maria Kanellis – Apparently deals with professional wrestling in some manner.  A quick Googling to try and figure out how to spell her name leads to me unintentionally finding out who gets fired first almost as soon as I start watching.  Sweet.
• Cyndi Lauper – Awesome.

Right, now let’s get this party started.  After a quick rundown of the cast that is approximately 103% less entertaining than the one I just posted above, which is saying a lot, the Donald finally makes his appearance and launches into a speech about hard working Americans.  While making his appeal to the Everyman in all of us, Trump makes his way from his massive office down through his luxurious building and down to the street, where a limo awaits.  But lo, a twist!  Donald looks his driver in the eye and says “I think I’ll walk.”  Unemployed Americans the world over burst into a round of applause while uncontrollably crying tears of heartfelt appreciation.

This year’s batch of “celebrities” are assembled at Grand Central Terminal.  Trump spouts something about it being the biggest train station in the galaxy and how he bought the hotel next to it as part of one of his first deals and then he renovated the front of the train station because he’s a man of the people.  Also, the rundown exterior was attracting riff raff and he was tired of having them shot.  Seriously, he said that.  Go watch it on Hulu if you don’t believe me.

A few of the celebrities discuss the charities they are working for.  Bret Michaels is playing for the American Diabetes Association because he’s diabetic, which makes sense, as science has proven that diabetes only afflicts the useless.

Cyndi Lauper is playing for a charity that helps raise awareness of gays and lesbians in the New York City area.  Kudos to her, up until this point, I had no idea there were homosexuals in New York City.  I figured that was just a midwestern thing.  Consider me aware.

Inconspicuous!

In the midst of all this charity talk, Goldberg makes it a point to explain that he’s not happy being teamed up with Rod Blagojevich.  In other news, the word “celebrity” isn’t happy about being teamed up with either of them.

Sharon Osbourne wants us to know she doesn’t play well with children.  What a fucking tool.

Twist alert!  Each team picks the other’s project manager!  OMFG, you guys!  How exciting!  The men are deciding whether to choose the strongest or weakest player, because that’s exactly the type of thing you can tell about someone based on their entertainment background.  They settle on Cyndi Lauper, presumably after listening to her last album in its entirety.

The chicks choose Bret Michaels because he’s working on one hour of sleep after invading Mexico last night, although he refers to it as “playing a show.”  His ridiculous goatee/bandana/eye liner combo almost certainly played into the decision also as it displays a serious lack of judgment on his part.

Time to choose team names!!  Cyndi wants their team to be named after a battleship.  Might I suggest “Diversity?”  For those unaware, diversity is an old old wooden ship.  They settle on “Tenacity” instead.  Shout out to JB and KG.

The men want a team name that focuses on who they are.  Ideas such as “Broke,” “Worthless,” “Mom’s Secret Shame” and “Dipshit Jungle” are bandied about in my head, but somehow they come up with “Rock Solid.”  After the vote, Bret Michaels explains that he came up with the name because he has a t-shirt that says that on it.  I bet you do, Bret.  I bet you do.

They head to the boardroom to receive their assignments.  Cue the tension music.  The teams inform Trump of their names, he returns the favor by informing the ladies that he once knew a girl named “Tenacity.”  He doesn’t specify whether that was her real name or just her escort name, but I feel confident in working that puzzle out on my own.

Pictured Above: Tenacity

Their task is to run a diner.  Whoever earns the most cash wins.  According to Trump, they’re going to have to know NYC inside and out to succeed at this challenge, which makes perfect sense considering they will be spending the entire day inside a restaurant.  Nevertheless, he informs the men that “Darryl Strawberry knows parts of New York that you don’t want to know about.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Darryl manages an audible chuckle through the heavy cloud of junkie shame and we’re off to the competition.  Also, the dudes have a fucking chef on the team.  Seems fair.

Time to call in the money!  Darryl is on the phone first.  98% chance whoever he is talking to sells crack.  In my imagination, it’s Dwight Gooden.  The women decide to not get too spendy with the food, which is always a great strategy when trying to raise a shitload of cash.  In an effort to instill the audience with a burst of confidence at her ability to successfully run a diner, Cyndi informs us that she was once fired from an IHOP for constantly confusing chicken pot pie with fried chicken.  A simple mistake if you’ve recently suffered blunt force head trauma.

Selita Ebanks steps up and volunteers to do the cooking.  I decide I’d like to touch her.  Only one of those two things actually happen.  Carol Leifer hands out flyers, which she’s probably more than accustomed to.  The rest of the interlopers just sort of mill around until they settle into whatever they do for the rest of the day.  The first conflict arises over whether to serve french fries…at a diner called Burger Heaven.  It’s not looking good for the ladies.

Except For This One

Ivanka makes her first drop by of the show just in time to hear that the women are pricing everything at $20.  Ivanka is all “bitches is trippin.”  They decide to make the burgers $100.  That’s pretty fucking steep for this level of star power.

Holly Robinson is using her supernova like star power to bring in the celebs for cash spending purposes.  I hope Richard Greico shows up!  Cyndi Lauper is going to call Rosie O’Donnell.  To be on Celebrity Apprentice.  No way is that going to end in total fucking disaster.

Cut to Sharon on the phone with some obnoxious morning radio show to drum up publicity.  Cyndi Lauper is along for the ride and looks as if she’s ready to swallow a bottle of pills after one of the DJ’s says “girls just wanna have lunch.”  Classic morning radio DJ hilarity!  Also, just one hour into the show and I finally find out that Carol Leifer is a “comic.”

As soon as the ladies open for business, the joint is packed.  Someone comes in with an accordian.  Cindy Lauper breaks into “True Colors.”  The crowd looks like they recognize the song from hearing it on American Idol.  Sharon Osbourne is not impressed.  There’s only one way past their prime musician she can tolerate, and he’s at home presumably further damaging his legacy.

Meanwhile, at the men’s joint…

To read part two, go here!