Some things in life we just will not do, usually because we’re scared of jail and/or death, or simply because hey-we’re all respectable and shit. That’s where people like me come in, because people that write dick jokes for the internet have no shame, and are usually well-acquainted with the seamier side of life.

However, we’re also well aware that the people who frequent comedy sites are classy, monocle brandishing individuals with impeccable taste, who would balk at, say, finding the craziest woman in a seedy bar just to see what she’s like in the sack, or becoming a drug addict, or really anything you’re about to read here. Just keep in mind all these things were done for the sake of art, and not because they happen to be, like, hobbies or anything. Because they aren’t.

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He unloaded the dump truck’s contents on to a growing pile of trash already a few feet tall. Hanging thick in the thin winter air was the stench of countless half eaten meals, dead rodents, dirty diapers of both the very young and decrepitly old, and countless other things that give off smells only an agent of Hell’s sulfur pits would find comforting.

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The United Federation of Planets and Starfleet have decided Captain Owen Honors is to be relieved of command of the U.S.S Enterprise for his “profound lack of good judgment and professionalism.” The decision came three days after Federation news outlets caught wind of at least three viewscreen transmissions that originated on board the Enterprise on Stardate 41153.7, when Honors was the executive officer, or second in command. He was named commanding officer of the Galaxy-class starship USS Enterprise-D on Stardate 41148.2.

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People love explosions. When shit blows up, people cheer. Micheal Bay has a career based on this fact; between Armageddon and The Rock, Bay used more explosives than the Manhattan Project. While most people get a charge out of a big bang, Micheal Bay experiences the same, sick sexual thrill a serial killer gets when I watched the light fade from that hooker’s eyes. Continue Reading

A useful law to be aware of is Poe’s Law, which states that any attempt to satirize an extreme viewpoint will inevitably be mistaken by somebody as actually representing that viewpoint.  It makes figuring out satire on the Internet difficult, and taking insane sites seriously nearly impossible.

And, of course, nowhere else other than the internet can you find more blisteringly insane opinions about politics.  One particularly infamous political hotbed is Free Republic, a news aggregation site so conservative it’s currently the only thing that can arouse Ann Coulter.

The history of Free Republic brings new meaning to the word “tortured”.  It’s had more purges than the brutal Communist dictatorship of Buliemia.  As users have expressed intolerable, vile beliefs, like thinking Rudy Guliani would make a good president, they’ve been booted from the site, because nothing is more American than making people you don’t like go away to never be seen again.

Over time, it has, in theory, become a hotbed of the most extreme conservatives on the Internet, the kind of people who cry and masturbate to Glenn Beck crying and surreptitiously masturbating on air.

Or is it?  The more you read the statements of Freepers (nickname of the denizens of FreeRepublic) the more you’ve got to wonder if they haven’t realized they had a huge audience of liberals engaging in some internet atrocity tourism, and are just playing to the crowds.

I went through some recent comments on some of Free Republic’s articles — three of them, to be exact — and I pulled four comments from each of them. After much analyzation, I’m pretty sure Free Republic is the greatest prank ever played on the internet.  For example (and I assure you, every single quote here is real):

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Technology moves at a rapid pace. In 1999, who among us could have predicted such wondrous innovations as the iPhone, the Nintendo Wii, Microsoft’s Kinect, or the Snuggie? Not many. Moreover, who among us could have possibly predicted the one innovation that tops them all — the one innovation that has and will continue to save countless lives all over the world? Who could have predicted the invention of satellite-based space lasers that can target a specific person on earth and eradicate any illness they may have, from diabetes to cancer? Only one man could have possibly envisioned that, and that man is 66-year-old Ronald Renken from Minnesota.

The only problem is his satellite laser cure-all is complete horseshit, as you may have guessed. But that didn’t stop him from scamming some old people with it. Or, at least I assume it was old people. I refuse to believe there are people younger than 50 that could have fallen for this.

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In December, my girlfriend and I got a puppy, a Shih Tzu, from her coworker, who’d bought two Shih Tzus that had never shown any interest in each other until surprise!  Puppies!  Neither of us had owned our own dog before, and we were looking forward to years of adorable adorableness.

What I didn’t know is that it would change me.  In fact, it would turn me into exactly the kind of person I freaking loathe.  Me three months ago would have punched current me in the face so hard I’d go back in time to appear in front of Muhammad Ali, who would punch me out of disgust.  And it happened in three months.  Consider this article an abject warning.

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When I was 12-years-old, I was an idiot. I haven’t gotten much smarter since then. But at the age of 12, I was an even bigger idiot than I am now, and I also was in possession of a lighter I stole from Spencer’s Gifts. It was a knock-off Zippo with a picture of woman’s ass on it. That’s the kind of thing you steal when you’re 12. I never used the lighter for anything other than melting plastic sandwich bags.

One day, my lighter ran out of lighter fluid, as lighters are one to do. I took the initiative and decided to fill my lighter with fluid, because those plastic sandwich bags weren’t going to melt themselves.

This is the story of what happened when I tried to re-fill the lighter.

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You know what?

Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we’ve got the occasional lump of coal.

You know what? No. Absolutely not. Children need to learn, early and often, that the world is a cold, dangerous place and that people take joy and laughter in your pain. Especially since screaming children are inherently hilarious. We have a few suggestions for Christmas boogeymen that might fit in best with our Christmas traditions.
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