Sunday, February 5, 2012 3:00PM - By Luis Prada
This past Sunday saw the Green Bay Packers come out victorious over the Pittsburg Steelers in Super Bowl 45. But the news that rocked the internet the hardest was of Christina Aguilera’s botched performance of the national anthem during the opening ceremony, as she accidentally sang “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming,” when she should have sang, “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.”
While plenty of people are giving Christian shit for forgetting the lyrics and essentially making up her own, I will not. It’s the Super Bowl. She was probably nervous. Besides, that’s, like, a really hard song to sing, guys. There’s all those old timey words in it and junk; and it sounds like it should always be sung by a man with a monocle and a top hat whose name is Wilbur.
With Christina Aguilera’s Super Bowl national anthem failure in mind, I set out to change the lyrics to the national anthem to something a little bit more…let’s say modern. Something that’s easier for all us post-internet age folks to remember.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012 6:27PM - By Luis Prada
Twitter is one of those wonderful modern day inventions that I have almost no use for. It’s all well and good for some people, but I don’t feel the near constant need to tell people what I think about things. Some people do, and that’s cool. I’m just not one of them. So to me, Twitter is a little intimidating. What am I going to say that is worthy of those precious 140 characters? Most of the time it’s nothing. The rest of my time spent on Twitter is spent starring at the text entering area and thinking random thoughts on the nature of Twitter and the Twitterverse and Twitter culture, and whatever the hell else old people in the old media world call the Twitter phenomenon.
I took the time recently to stare at my Twitter account for a bit as I attmepted to think of something to tweet. Here are those thoughts — thoughts, by the way, that were never tweeted.
“Yeah, okay, I feel good about that tweet. That’s a good, strong tweet that is both insightful and humorous that my few followers will love. Ah, fuck it. They don’t give a shit about what I think.”
“Damn it, Twitter. If only you allowed for 150 characters then I’d be able to tell people about the monster dump I just took.”
Saturday, January 28, 2012 10:14AM - By Dan Seitz
Do you really want to read about TV? Click here the video to latest headlines and stay ahead of the curve.
“What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard Dog and crippling despair, loneliness and depression. I intend to win.” – Actual dialogue
“The Office” is acclaimed for being one of the funniest shows on television. But, as repeated watchings have emphasized to me, it isn’t. If anything, it’s a drama, a bleak, dark drama full of foreshadowing and terror. Here are five reasons “The Office” is actually so dark it makes Goths want to kill themselves:
Friday, January 27, 2012 4:00PM - By Luis Prada
A newly released study coming out of Spain claims that consuming high amounts of fatty foods can lead to depression. The authors of the study spent six years analyzing the diets and life styles of 12,000 volunteers who had all been diagnosed as not suffering any signs of depression. By the end of the six years researchers discovered that all of the subjects with high trans-fat diets “presented up to a 48 percent increase in the risk of depression when they were compared to participants who did not consume these fats.” Out of the original 12,000, 657 were now officially diagnosed with clinical depression.
Hearing this got me to thinking: how would my mental outlook on life be affected after I consumed some high fat fast foods? I’m normally a pretty well-adjusted, happy guy. I’ll I start to feel a little down after consuming some overly greasy and fatty foods? With that in mind I was off to my local purveyors of fatty food to find an answer to that question.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012 10:50AM - By David Dietle
Movies are awesome; I don’t care if it’s deep and many-layered like Inception, or completely retarded (like the Star Wars prequels) I love movies. As a result, I spend way, way (way) too much time thinking about them.
This has the unfortunate side effect of ruining some of my favorite movies for me, which is the case with most of this list. Often times in movies, in order to get themselves out of precarious situations, characters will concoct crazy plans to save the day and defeat the villains. Sometimes the plan may not be the best plan, but it’s the only option the characters have left. Other times, though, the plan is something only the screenwriters think is a good idea, while the rest of us are left to wonder if that bus load of children really needed to explode in order to stop the bad guy from killing the hero’s one true love. The plan may create some great onscreen action, but it’s also the cause of some audience head scratching, as such concepts as logic, sanity, and overall intelligence seem to be thrown away.
This happens in all types of movies, but let’s start with some aliens, shall we?
Thursday, January 19, 2012 3:48PM - By Luis Prada
Coffee makes my heart want to explode. I still drink it, but in small, controlled doses that give my heart ample time to defuse each tiny bomb of caffeine that graces its presence before the next bomb arrives. This problem is magnified when I drink a Starbucks coffee. I will occasionally feel like I want to be a part of the Starbucks-drinking clan of cool people, so I’ll grab myself a Pike’s Place roast, or whatever it is they call a normal cup of coffee that doesn’t have all that superfluous shit in it. Half was through a Tall-sized cup I feel as though my body is vibrating at a different frequency than the rest of the world. It’s like my spirit is trying to shake its way out of my pours. My hands begin to tremble at a rate that can shake down a bridge. It’s terrible.
But damn do I love coffee.
But not enough to drink 30 fluid ounces of it in one sitting. Mostly because I’m perfectly fine with the current rhythm of my heart beat, and also because I don’t like it when my body has given up and wants me to fall asleep but the caffeine coursing through my veins is telling me to chase feral beasts on foot with a spear.
So, needless to say, I may never order Starbucks’ new and patently absurd cup size, Trenta. Although, I am a big fan of the cup. Thirty ounces of anything is a lot of liquid to expect someone to drink. Hell, the human stomach only holds 30.4 ounces. That’s a lot of cup to have around once you’ve finished your Joe. What could you do with something like that?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012 11:34AM - By David Dietle
One could easily argue that technology exists for the sole purpose of making our lives easier. Inventing weapons made it easier to kill the monsters that inhabited our prehistoric world, making it easier to not die. Inventing better weapons made it easier to live in fear than before, because although there were no more monsters, there were plenty of dangerous assholes with weapons.
All of this led to entertainment, in the form on coliseums, where we could give those weapons to two different dangerous assholes and watch them kill each other for our amusement. Much of this is still alive today, with our need for entertainment requiring better and better tech, so we can watch movies and TV shows of armed assholes pretending to kill one another. Oh, and the news and cooking shows or something.
But we have reached a new age, where easy is sometimes not easy enough. You can watch movies in your own home on your huge flatscreen TV, but you have to mount that sucker, and if it falls, well, there’s a broken foot or a dead pet. And what’s with this wires still connecting things bullshit? There has to be an easier way! Okay, so in the next decade, it will be easier. Way easier. Too easier, even though that isn’t grammatically correct.
Technology has made things so much easier that we’ve reached a point where we are now packing on some extra pounds as we kick back and enjoy this easy to use technology that cuts out much of the hassle past iterations included.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 5:33PM - By Luis Prada
It has been a long held secret, but the truth may finally be out: the secret recipe Coca Cola used to make Coke. For 125 years, Coke’s recipe has been one of the most closely guarded secreted in the trade, but it only took reporters from NPR’s This American Life a few flips through an newspaper from February 18, 1979 to find what appears to be the original Coke recipe handwritten by John Pemberton, the inventor of Coke.
Time magazine got their hands on the recipe, and even the recipe for the special ingredient in coke known as the “Merchandise 7X flavoring.” But why they only list the ingredients, I want to make sure that you are aware of what all of the individual ingredients do, and what roles they play in creating the flavor of the Coke you know and love.
Friday, January 13, 2012 3:00PM - By Luis Prada
ED. NOTE: This article was originally written nearly a year ago, but it seems it’s just as relevant today.
Hey, Florida! Yeah, I’m talking to you! The state that I’m currently living in! You suck! First, it was with the 2000 presidential election, now it’s with snow. What the hell is your deal, man? What, do you have some kind of problem with the rest of the country, or something? Do you think you’re such a damn rebel/renegade that you can just hold everyone back from doing great things?
Damn it, you suck. Seriously.
Oh, what’s that, Florida? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, let me explain it to you in the same way I would explain tying shoelaces to my cats.