Captain of USS Enterprise Relieved of Duty Amid Controversy Over Raunchy Videos

The United Federation of Planets and Starfleet have decided Captain Owen Honors is to be relieved of command of the U.S.S Enterprise for his “profound lack of good judgment and professionalism.” The decision came three days after Federation news outlets caught wind of at least three viewscreen transmissions that originated on board the Enterprise on Stardate 41153.7, when Honors was the executive officer, or second in command. He was named commanding officer of the Galaxy-class starship USS Enterprise-D on Stardate 41148.2.

The viewscreen transmissions depict female crew members of various races bathing together and speaking ill of the Vulcan. In one transmission, a young Orion and a Romulan can be seen talking about their “Prime Directive” as actually being a sexual act so depraved that it cannot be discussed on open Starfleet communication channels.

U.S.S Enterprise Lieutenant Commander Data, the first and only Soong-type android to ever enter Starfleet and a long time friend of Captain Owen Honors, was quoted as saying, “I chose to believe that I was a person, that I had the potential to become more than a collection of circuits and subprocessors,” he continued, “but after seeing that video, I don’t want to be human. I now understand why it is you humans claim to feel ‘dirty’ when you are clearly free of dirt, dust, and other sediment particles that would require one to bathe.”

Taking Captain Honors’ place will be his second in command, Commander William T. Riker. “I am saddened by the events that have transpired here upon the starship Enterprise; but I am also deeply honored to be stepping in to the Captain’s seat of such a prestigious craft.” Commander Riker went on to say, “to celebrate, I think I’ll grow a beard on top of my beard.”