Buying A Used Car, The Mass Effect Way

Shepard: Hello, I’m looking for a good, reliable car. Preferably something with good gas mileage

Salesman: Oh, well, you’ve come to the right place, son! Here at Williamson Autopark, we only seek to offer the finest used automobiles.

– That sounds great!

–Show me your selection

–Eat Dicks

Shepard: Why don’t you shut your fuck-hole and show me some rides. I’m not falling for your salesman bullshit!

Salesman: Uh, no need to get angry, son! We’re all friendly here!

–I’m sorry

–Having a Bad Day

–Why aren’t you eating Dicks right now?

Shepard: Don’t give me your “friendly salesman” crap! Just show me cars so I can give you money for one. Or, if you prefer, I can kill you, cram an 8-cylinder engine in your chest and ride your ass home as I steer with your teeth.

Salesman: Well, I don’t think I want to do business with someone as belligerent as you!

–I’m sorry

–Show me some cars

–I know where you live

Shepard: I apologize for my belligerence. If you accept my apology then, please, I’d like to see some of your fine automobiles.

Salesman: Alright, that’s better. Right this way, sir.

(Shepard and the Salesman walk over to a Blue 1992 Geo Prism)

Salesman: Isn’t she a beauty? She’s got no roof lining and she’s missing ninety-eight percent of her door handles, but she’s trusty. She can get you from here to the stars on only a couple tanks of gas. And, best part, she’s only two-grand.

–I’ll take it!

–Shoe me another

–What are you, retarded?

Shepard: Let me ask you a question: do your daily meals consist only of glue sticks and glitter? Because only someone with the mind of a child would think that I, a fine commander of forces, would want to roll in something that looks like a pile of rusty blue vaginas with no door handles.

Salesman: But, that doesn’t even make sen—

–I know. My bad.

–What was I thinking?

–Bend over

Shepard: Have you ever licked your own scrot sack?

Salesman: uh…no?

Shepard: That’s a shame. Wanna try mine? Granted, mine is probably a little more ripe than yours, so if you want to know what yours tastes like, while you’re licking mine,  just think about the flavors of fear, aluminum siding and Brut aftershave.

Salesman: Are you done?

–Yes, continue

–What else do you have?

–Do you’re balls come in blue?

Shepard: Yes. I’d like to see what else you’ve got here.

Salesman: Uh, okay, well, Over here I’ve got a nice little ’01 Camry XE. Power windows, power locks, all door handles are accounted for. Plus (and this is what made it a hot seller when it first came out), she’s got a little dock for your iPod.

–That’s a winner!

–How much?

–Wanna huff some paint?

Shepard: You know, I’m not quite feeling this one. Maybe if I down some fumes I’ll be more in the mood. Want a huff?

Salesman: I thought you’d never ask

(Shepard and the Salesman huff a can of spray paint from a brown bag)

–Marshmallow Unicorn Cock

–Ever blow a monkey?

–Does this car come in the color of hate?

Shepard: I once killed a Unicorn. I was going to drink its blood and live forever. But it wasn’t a unicorn. It was a man. A human man. Marshmallow cock. Whoa! What did that come from? Fuck, dude, I’m ripped!

Salesman: Yeah,I’m…pretty fucking…cars.

Shepard: You said it, brother! Now, that we’re nice and blitzed show me some rides, homey! God! I just want to get out there and fuck a chick, bro! I need a whip that will help with that.

Salesman: I have an Econoline van?

–Don’t bogart the Econoline, bro!

–Murder

–MY BRAIN IS SCREAMING YES!! MY HEART IS SCREAMING FUCK YES!!

Shepard: I think the paint we huffed was expired, ‘cause I feel like saying yes to an Econoline van. Show me.

Salesman: Where did my legs go? I can’t feel them.

Shepard: I have assimilated with your legs. Your legs and I are one.

Salesman: That’s the craziest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, son.

Shepard: No, this is…

–Zebra/Jay-z Mash-up

–Pat Sajak’s Holy Trinity of Nipples

–I Once Molested My Neighbor’s Inner Child

Shepard: Just think about it, bro! “If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son! I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.” And then the Zebra goes EEERRR-HOOOOOONNNN!! Or whatever sounds zebra’s make.

Salesman: I get it now…wait, weren’t we doing something related to cars?

Shepard: Cars?! Where?!

Salesman: The cars, man! They’re everywhere! All around us. Within us. They bind us, son!

Shepard:  Sooooooo many caaaaaaars!!!

Salesman: You know, you’re a good guy. I trust you. That’s why I’m gonna show you the prime pick of the lot. But it’s not here. I have to take you to…(to a secret underground base). Are you willing to take the journey with me?

–No, enough foolishness!

–I’d rather just have a normal car, please.

–We have to huff more paint first.

Shepard: We have to huff more paint first. Life is losing it’s pizazz. It’s got no moxie, kid! Life’s jazz hands, they’re fadin’!

(Shepard and the Salesman huff more paint)

Shepard: AAAHHHHGRRRRR!! PAINT! CARS! I WANT CAR PAINT TO RIDE!

Saleman: …

–Are you okay?

–Wake up

–Pussy

Shepard: Hey, man. Hey! Wake up, man! Wake up!…Oh shit…oh shit…I think…I think he’s dead.

–Dispose of body in lake

–Walk away

–Eat the evidence, Steal Rocket Ship

MISSION SUMMARY

+2 Paragon Points, +47,733 Renegade Points

Salesman’s body was delicious, but a bit stringy. Acquired rocket ship. Missing 98% of its door handles.