Build Your Own Gun in 5 Easy Steps

In these tough economic times, finding the extra money to spend on non-essential items can be next to impossible.  How is a person supposed to choose between that awesome new jet ski or food for your kids?  Especially when the water looks so nice and your kids are such insufferable assholes?

Well, parent of the year, who says you have to choose?  Instead of spending a mint on those fancy new toys, let FunnyCrave show you how to save a ton of money by building them yourself. 

Today, we show you how to build your very own gun.

Step 1: Gather Your Tools and Materials

The most important step in the process is going to be choosing your materials.  Conventional wisdom is going to tell you that chrome or steel will be the ideal choice, along with some sort of wood, hard plastic or faux pearl type of set up for the handle.  Yeah, well, where are you going to find that shit on the cheap?  You’re not building your own gun because you’re swimming in dough.

Instead, opt for something a little more affordable like PVC pipe or the hollowed out bones of an anonymous hobo or ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.  Ha!  Just joking.  Everyone knows girls can’t shoot guns.

For the handle, try duct tape.  If it’s good enough to fix the hole in the radiator of your 1976 Ford LTD, it’s good enough for a gun  handle. 

Step 2: Set Up Your Workspace

When building your budget priced weapon of tastefully limited destruction, privacy is going to be of the utmost importance.  Let too many people lay eyes on your endeavor and before you know it, you’ll be bombarded with questions and advice and probably a team of ATF agents.

To avoid this, try setting up in an enclosed area of your house or apartment.  If at all possible, choose a room with no windows or ventilation.  There is a good chance you’ll be working with highly caustic and explosive powders and chemicals in the course of building your new weapon.  The last thing you want is for that shit to get out into the environment.  Think about the future, you selfish prick!   

Step 3: Construct Your Weapon

Alright, now we’ve come to the fun part.  It’s time to assemble your firearm.  We apologize in advance for the extensive use of technical jargon and for the complexity of some of the steps we’re about to lay out here.  There’s really no way around it: 

• First, break your PVC pipe into two pieces by hitting it with a hammer or large rock or something.  You need one larger piece which will be the shooty part that the bullets come out of.  The other smaller piece will be the part you hold on to.  Scientists sometimes refer to this as the “hand job.”
• Wrap the smaller piece in duct tape.  If you have any stickers or anything like that laying around, put those on there too.  You want it to look as badass as possible.
• Now attach the smaller piece to the larger shooty piece at a 90 degree angle.  How?  Carefully, that’s how.  Maybe use the duct tape or something.
• If you followed the previous three steps closely, what you have should look like this:

• You’re almost ready to shoot!

Step 4: Choosing the Right Ammo

We probably should have covered this back in the “gather your materials” section, but then this guide would just be four steps, and only a retard would think you can build a goddamn gun in four steps.

Anyway, find some ammo.  You can buy real bullets if you want, but who has the cash for that.  Instead, pick from one of these more budget friendly alternatives:

• Pennies
• Rocks
• Nails
• Screws
• Shards of Glass
• Mother’s High Blood Pressure Medication
• Bottlecaps
• Skittles
• Teeth

Really, anything that will fit should work just fine.

Step 5: Try it Out!

Hell.  Yes.  Now we’ve come to the payoff.  It’s time to road test your new gun.  There are several ways to test how well a gun is functioning.  Shooting it comes immediately to mind, and you can certainly try that, but it’s not going to tell you the whole story.  No, the true test of how well a gun works is how much shit you can get people to hand over to you when you point it at them.

The immediate temptation will be to take it to a nearby bank or convenience store.  Please, do not do this.  Studies have shown that people respond negatively to having guns pulled on them at their place of employment and may even overreact by calling the police. 

Instead, just head out into the night and seek out the largest, most intimidating person you can find.  No, female softball players do not count.  Make it a fair fight and choose a dude.  You have a gun, after all. 

Once you’ve spotted a target, approach them and pull your gun while screaming something about them handing over all of their shit.  You’ll know you’ve constructed a quality weapon if they comply.  If they don’t, shit is probably about to get real. 

At this point, you’ll probably want to use your new gun to defend yourself.  This is a bad idea, because we’re pretty sure our instructions failed to mention anything about building a trigger or firing mechanism of any sort.  This is going to complicate things severely. 

Maybe you could try throwing the gun at them?  People do that in movies all the time and it never fails to be hilarious.  Perhaps their uproarious laughter at your lame attempt at self preservation will provide just the window of opportunity you need to flee the scene in one piece.

If that doesn’t work, you’re probably going to have to fight, provided your assailant doesn’t have a gun of their own which they’re currently using to shoot you in the face.  If that’s the case, we got dibs on your car stereo. 

If you do end up having to fight, fortunately, we can help you with that also.  Just check out our handy guide on how to fight for all the information you need.

Good luck!