Britney Spears Ruins Australia

Generally it shouldn’t be news when a dog craps on the lawn.  It shouldn’t be news when a drunk pukes on his own shows.  It shouldn’t be news when Glenn Beck makes an ass of himself.  All these things come with the territory, you may as well report that the sky was blue today.  But whatever, some news days are slow.  And thanks to that, we have a story about Britney Spears being a disappointment.

Britney is back on the mend after being certifiably insane for a spell there, marrying a glorified transient, losing some kids to said transient and then just going shrill, shrieking apeshit insane in the most spectacular way.  And normally those kinds of trailer shenanigans go unnoticed in the world but when you’re famous you get that shit tossed into every paper around the globe and it’s a raw deal so FunnyCrave will drum up some sympathy for Britney because of the Hit Me Baby One More Time video and because 2/3 of all our staff had a debauched love for that nipple pokie pic we posted last week.

Anyway, now that Britney is back again, she’s on tour, presumably singing the same awful music but she can only make so many leaps forward in an effort to get better.  She played a venue in the land down under last week and, because Aussies are a saucy bunch, they ripped her a new one in the media.  Reports are everywhere that fans left early in the show due to unparalleled levels of suck  She lip synched, she kept her back to the crowd, she took a Valium and napped while someone played footage of Crossroads in the background, all kinds of rumors are flying.

Spears’ folks are saying this is all lies, no one left the show and everyone loved it because the kinds of people who would pay to see Britney Spears were probably well aware of what a Britney Spears show is like and would actually be happy to see it and that’s cool.  So we got our Australian correspondent to dig into the issue and see what was what, and he gave us the real scoop.  People did walk out of the show, but not because of lip synching.  Everyone knows Britney Spears is a robot, it’s no surprise she doesn’t sing.  Here’s what our man down under had to say:

-One person left due to explosive diarrhea that was, at last update, unrelated to Britney

-a family left when Spears’ voice caused the youngest daughter’s left ear to bleed

-three attendees left because they thought they’d purchased tickets to see Conway Twitty

-Our correspondent left when he didn’t see any nipple

-KFed and his entourage of crackwhores and the homeless were turned away at the door

-an army of teenage girls left when the onset of maturity caused hormone levels to  reach the saturation point in their brain that allows clear thought and the realization that Spears kind of sucks

-The Backstreet Boys left after 2 songs when their fame did not inexplicably increase along with Britney’s

-a handful of middle aged pervs left when the they’d decided Spears was looking a bit too rough, even for them

-7 people had to be rushed to the hospital as a result of Yeti-related injuries

-a handful of concert goers walked out for koala-wrangling purposes