Bristol Palin Gives the Greatest Commencement Speech, Like, EverBy Kristi Harrison
Perusing Your Dreams, Beseeking Your Hopes
Good afternoon! Thank you for allowing me the honor of speaking at your graduation. I hope to one day be in your shoes and have my own college gratuation someday. Until then, this will have to do.
What does it mean to graduate? According to Wikipedia, a graduate refers to someone who has been the subject of a graduation. A graduation, according to the Free Dictionary Online, is a ceremony at which degrees or diplomas are conferred; a commencement. Reference dot com tells us a commencement is an episode and the fourth season finale of Smallville. And that is why we are here today.
As I stand here I feel as though I am looking into the future. (Note – put on sunglasses.) And the future is bright. (Wait while ‘The Future’s So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades) plays on the screen behind you.) Let’s give Timbuk3 a round of applause. Oldie but goodie, huh?
You might be wondering what I’m doing here, and why this speech is going to wipe out your alumni fund, or why I’m carrying my boo Tripp right here on my hip. To answer your questions:
- I’m giving a commencement speech, DUH.
- Your college’s board of deans are not the brightest crayons on the block
- My babysitter, aka Nana Johnston, got arrested for her meth lab and she bailed on me.
But it’s cool cuz I got Tripp here a cute little graduation outfit. Give it up for Tripp, you guys.
I named him ‘Tripp’ because he’s a trip. And because my mom already used Trig and that was my first best favorite name. But I one upped her by adding an extra consonant to Tripp’s name. He’s going to do so much better than Trig in life, for that and other reasons.
But we aren’t here to talk about the Tris. We’re here to celebrate the class of 2010 and what the future holds for you. The future is amazing. It holds amazing things, like jobs and cars and marriage and babies. It holds the second coming of Jesus and the Rapture, and the first woman president. In the future, people are going to be riding space airplanes to work and using the decayed remains of dead animals for fuel.
Our future belongs to you, the graduates of Bob Jones University, and me, Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin. But mostly you, because you’ve got degrees, and I’ve got this dead weight of a baby on my hip over here, ha ha ha.
So I found out the hard way that life happens. Life happens real hard when you’re not looking. Life happens in your face and in your uterus, literally sometimes, and figuratively other times. And then there are times when life happens both figuratively and literally at the same time, and if you’re lucky your mom just made a buttload of cash off her book, and if you’re unlucky there’s always welfare.
Life is a box of cherries. You never know which ones are cherries, and which ones are red grapes.
So let me share with you some of the life lessons that life as thrown at my face.
Lesson 1: Don’t have sex.
Sex is a beautiful gift from God that is meant for married adults. But Bristol, you may be saying, I am an adult. Maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. Who am I to judge? All I know is that sex will ruin your life (gesture to Tripp here.) Someone once told me that there are ways to have sex and not get pregnant, and I’m totally sure that’s true, but I don’t believe in abortion so you do the math.
Lesson 2: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
It’s totally not worth it.
Lesson 3: This one’s a poem. Hold up a sec.
(Put Tripp on the floor so you can get out the poem.)
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance.
Give it up for Garth Brooks, you guys. Best selling solo artist of all time. Over 125 million records sold.
Lesson 4: The global conspiracy to overthrow capitalism is afoot.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Lesson 5: Hope you didn’t take a lot of math classes. Because you never use math in the real world, fyi.
Lesson 6: Believe in yourself.
Be your own best friend. All your other friends are going to flake on you anyway. And then they’re going to go to college and have wicked parties, and not even invite you even though you have a babysitter. And your boyfriend’s going to screw your best friend, and totally come on to your mom at Thanksgiving. Your sisters are going to get straight A’s and have everyone talking about how brilliant they are, even though they still pick their noses and you stopped that ages ago. And don’t get me started on how everyone’s going to go nuts over every little accomplishment your little brother makes.
So, to sum up, you have no one to trust but yourself. Yourself and God. And also Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but sometimes people will trick you into thinking that the Holy Spirit told them that they weren’t able to get people pregnant, when really the Holy Spirit said no such thing. So be wary of people invoking the name of the Holy Spirit, is what I’m saying.
To conclude: Never forget who is number one, and who is number two. (Point up, and then point down, at the Devil.) You’ve worked hard and you’ve earned the night of partying that will likely start after I’m done. And my cell is on the program right there if you want to invite me to your party. I’m not breast feeding any more so we’re all cool Tripp-wise.