Breakfast of Chumps – 10 Poorly Conceived Cereal Brands

If there’s one thing everyone can get behind, it’s doodling boobs in the corner of the newspaper.  And what better time to do that than over breakfast?  Even if breakfast is just suck ass cereal, like these stuff:

C3PO’s

Achieving stunning heights in lazy shit ideas is C3PO’s, a cereal that features two O’s fused together.  Well fuck, Mr. Lucas, that is amazing.  The commercial claims that this harnesses the adventure of the Star Wars films.  We suspect, at best, it constipated a generation of impressionable Star Wars fans who cracked open a box and couldn’t figure out what the hell this had to do with the movies.

Nerds

The only thing breakfast time needs more than a severe groin injury is a crunchy, sour, fruit flavored candy, so naturally someone had to make Nerds into a cereal, with the time tested flavors of grape and orange available and ready to befoul children’s milk.  For those wishing to keep their flavors separate, they even offered a bowl complete with a Nerdgate to make breakfast fun as well as needlessly complicated and fucktarded.

Yummy Mummy

Attempting to capitalize on children’s love of monsters, General Mills introduced a variety of monster cereals, notably Count Chocula and Frankenberry.  Less popular were Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute, which we only know exist from the internet.  What did they taste like?  No one actually knows, but if they’re somehow more revolting than Booberry we’re all better off for not having to accidentally pick up a box of what was most likely freeze-dried rat shit.

The dusty corpse of a dude who had his brain pulled out through his nose is a good spokesman, right?

Halfsies

Halfsies had half the sugar of normal cereal.  That was all they had to market this with.  Nonetheless they made an entire cartoon kingdom and jammed it full of as much hilarious half imagery as they could because if there’s one things kids love, it’s less sugar and fractions.  When this cereal surprisingly failed, they went on to make Seven-Thirteenthsies with Prunes, the cereal with slightly more sugar.  And prunes!

Circus Fun Cereal

Because kids often aren’t deathly afraid of clowns and generally approve of animal abuse if the animals are sugar coated, General Mills made this cereal to haunt your dreams with an echo-voiced, claymation clown spokesman whose just the perfect siz to crawl up your pantleg and gnaw a hole in your sack as you try to flee your home.  It’s doubtful anyone was dumb enough to not notice this was Lucky Charms, but perhaps it was marketed towards people who hate the Irish.

OJ’s Cereal

We were hoping this cereal had something to do with OJ Simpson, like maybe each box had little white Bronco marshmallows or Kato Kaelin flakes and the special prize was getting knifed in the back.  Sadly, the truth is even worse in that this crap is just some kind of orange flavored cereal.  Mmm, crunchy orange.  Good work, Kelloggs.  How’s that Trout Bran coming?

Bigg Mixx

Inexplicably lazier than C3PO’s was this short-lived venture into not giving a fig what customers might want.  Kelloggs’ powerhouse marketing team managed to convince enough people that mixing together all the shitty leftover cereal bits they had laying around was a good plan and Bigg Mixx was born; a box full of, literally, all their other brands of cereal.  No new marshmallow shapes or oatmeal clusters, just whatever crap was stuck at the bottom of the packaging machines at the end of the day that they could wrestle away from the rats.

At least the spokes-thing looks like garbage, too.

Pacman Cereal

Making a cereal out of the simplest video game ever next to Pong shouldn’t be that hard.  But selling it was apparently so monumentally difficult that the marketing team came up with a commercial that proves the existence of evil via a heinously retarded dance and couldn’t be more 80’s if Blossom was slumped in a corner doing cocaine out of the crack of cousin Larry’s ass.

Sir Grapefellow

Getting the right spokesperson for your cereal is a science.  You can’t just pull Tony the Tiger out of your ass, a sentence you never want to hear in prison because it probably means something else.  General Mills, however, hit on something amazing in the 70’s with Sir Grapefellow.  Capitalizing on the popularity of the First World War and Little Lord Fauntleroy, this swishy, fruity pilot was clearly the way to sell a shitty, grape flavored cereal.

It comes with a balloon powered car, so you can blow as much as he does.

Banania

Proving that vague racism can sell just about anything, the French apparently enjoy something called Banania, a breakfast drink made from chocolate and banana flour, which we recently learned is a real thing.  A chocolatey banana breakfast treat wasn’t going to sell itself, so they slapped on the image of an intensely smiling Senegalese man who, we assume, really loves chocolate bananas or horse tranquilziers.  His vacant eyes and wide grin have convinced several generations of Frenchies to follow in his footsteps.

It's from France, where black people don't exist so it's OK to do this