Bread Causes Large Hadron Collider to Rip Hole in Fabric of Reality

…to which Sally Wasserstein, owner to the Flowers-4-U flower shop on Elm and 4^th said, “vivisection is a right, not a privilege.”

Truer words were never spoken, America.

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…Ladies and Gentlemen, we are receiving some breaking news here at the FunnyCrave Channel 8 Newsplex – it seems that the Large Hadron Collider, the particle accelerator built to find the long theorized Higgs-Boson particle (otherwise known as the “God particle”), has suffered yet another setback in a long line of setbacks.

First, it was a coolant leak that broke a series of magnates that direct its energy beams. Then, the project was temporarily shut down to add some additional safety features. Today, you can add another unforeseen problem as a bird carrying a piece of delicious French baguette dropped the piece of bread in to a portion of the LHC, causing certain portions of the particle accelerator to overheat.

There’s no need for alarm as most experts say that had the beam actually been on at the time of the bread dropping, the rapid overheating would have thrown on the failsafe, shutting down the entire machine.

You hate to see that happen.

More on this as it develops. In other news…

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…Leaving one man dead, and another man with what doctors are calling a “rage stiffy.”

That’s – that’s some rather peculiar language from the medical community.

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…Ladies and Gentlemen, we have some more breaking news from CERN, the base of operations for the Large Hadron Collider. As you may be aware, earlier we reported that a bird flying over the LHC dropped a piece of bread in to the collider, causing certain portions to overheat. When we first reported the story we were informed that the energy beam was not on. But we are now getting reports that state otherwise.

According to the AP news wire, the particle beam was, in fact, on at the time of the bread dropping, contrary to what was reported earlier.  Now, if what the experts say on the matter is correct, then the overheating that would have resulted from this accident would have triggered a failsafe, which would have shut down the entire system. No word yet on whether this failsafe was actually triggered.

More as it develops.

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…Ha-Ha! Who knew that such an innocuous body cavity was capable of storing that many golf balls! Boy, I’ll tell’ya, the elasticity of our holes is astounding!

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…Ladies and Gentlemen, more troubling news about the Large Hadron Collider, a story we’ve been following for you all afternoon. It seems that there are some reports of what are being described as “ripples in the fabric of reality.” One eye witness report claims strange, deformed versions of goats are popping up all over the Swizz country side. While we do not—I repeat, Do not have confirmation at this time, this is all pure speculation and conjecture, the goats – again, according to one eye witness report – have hooves made of “nightmares” and horns made of “1,000 holocausts.”

That…seems to be all of the information at this time, but, again, I must reiterate, the claim of goats with nightmares for hooves and holocausts for horns is yet unconfirmed, and is likely to be a hoax.

I guess some people are just having some fun at the expense of scienc—

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The goats have been confirmed. I repeat, the earlier claim of goats with nightmares for hooves and holocausts for horns has been confirmed by the AP news wire, and…Yes, I believe we actually have some amateur footage. Barry? Barry? You think we can roll that footage for the folks at home?

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Christ…

In other news…

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…Mmm, delicious Panda meat. What a lovely time that barbecue fest must have been.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, we have more news coming in from CERN, home of the Large Hadron Collider. Well, this isn’t actually a news alert as much as it is a call for aid. Noted Pan-Dimentiologist Robert Crane, author of the book “Another You right Next to Us” and who has been spending his time recently as a consultant on the Large Hadron Collider, has releases a statement calling for an old priest and a young priest.

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No, our bad, he is not calling for an old priest and a young priest. He is retracting that statement and is instead calling upon the powers of God himself. The statement goes on to ask you, a resident of this plane of existence, to call upon the powers of all that is holy in this world to aid in the war against what Dr. Crane calls “The demonic armies of the necro-realms.”

Dr. Crane warns of quote “Wing’ed hell-beasts” wielding “serrated blades comprised of the souls of child molesters,” as well as “shape-shifting parasite demons” that feed upon “the very essence of life itself.” That “essence” of course being happiness – something Dr. Crane tells us is a very rare commodity in the necro-realms.

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Well, shit.

Wing’ed hell-beasts? Armies of the dead? Shape-shifting demons?

You hate to see that happen. You really do.

We’ll be back after these messages from out sponsors.

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…Ladies and Gentlemen, we interrupt the advertisements to bring you a special announcement from the Lord and Supreme Chancellor of the Necro-realms, a one Mr. K’inthuuthuu Al’Grrrouu. We don’t have a satellite feed set up with him, seeing as simply gazing upon his physical form would negate a puny human out of existence, so he will be possessing the minds and souls of every live news broadcaster on the planet, with the exception of Glenn Beck who, we are being told, was a sleeper agent from the Necro-realms.

I knew it.

Anyway, without further adieu, here is Lord and Supreme Chancellor of the Necro-realms, the man that upon entry in to my soul — I am being told psychically — will corrupt me beyond all imagination, forcing me in to an eternity of enslavement and murder. Seeing as this is it for me, I would like to take my final moment as a human being to say, Jan, darling, sweetie pie, my love…you’re a cunt.

That’s it from me, folks! Go fuck yourself you ungrateful little I-get-my-news-from-the-internet assholes!

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…In other news

…Hello, all on this plain of existence! On behalf of all demonic hell-beasts from the Necro-realms, I would just like to extend my heart-felt apologies to all of humanity.  Your nearly endless supply of happiness and joy will feed us for many millennia to come. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and we promise that they pain will only last for eternity, which, when you see it from our immortal standpoint, isn’t really all that bad of a thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s only slightly less unimaginably horrible than you think it is.

Uh, so…yeah. Uh, this whole speech thing was kind of impromptu, so I really didn’t prepare anything. Uh, and…geez, public speaking sure is harder than you earthlings make it look. I commend you on that one. I’m sure our devouring of your essence will make us a race of Cracker Jack public speakers. That should help us when we are done bleeding your planet dry of all life, and we move on to another realm filled with idiots that think they can fuck with the fabric of time by building a machine that appatemts to answer the questions that should not be answered because, guess what?

We are the answer!

HAHAHAHAAH! I love using that line!!

Aaaaanyway, Uh, this is Lord and Supreme Chancellor of the Necro-realms K’inthuuthuu Al’Grrrouu signing off. Have a tortuous eternity!

***SIGNAL LOST***