Boner is Missing!
By Ian Fortey
We’re pretty crass and thoughtless at FunnyCrave, feel free to check out anything anyone here has ever written about the Winter Olympics for proof. We’re unsympathetic at the best of times and if this story involved nearly any other 80’s era pseudo celebrity most of this article would take a sarcastic turn towards the negative. But this article is about Andrew Koenig, better known as Boner from Growing Pains and so we’re going sarcastic positive all the way.
Koenig, who you may also know as the son of bad ass Russian Star Fleet officer Walter “Chekov” Koenig and who you may also also know as the Joker from the Batman: Dead End short in 2003 that featured Aliens and Predators and was the awesomest amateur Batman film ever produced, was reported missing on February 14th. Why are people only putting this out in the news in the last couple of days? Because the media fucking sucks, that’s why. FunnyCrave would have been all over Boner last week if we’d known.
Koenig had been in Vancouver but was supposed to return to the US on February 16th, presumably to escape the massive hordes of Winter Olympic fans no one at this website knew existed until shortly after writing articles making fun of them. The plane showed up as scheduled but Koenig was not on it.
Whoever has Boner needs to give him the fuck back. Do you have any idea what Boner’s had to put up with since 1985? To start with, it’s 2010 and people are still calling him Boner. The man’s 42 years old! Did you ever read about what a miserable life Booger from Revenge of the Nerds has? How he was so horribly typecast he was stuck being Booger for literally decades and never managed to really start the career he wanted because he was always Booger?
What’s the only worse name Booger could have had? Boner. Literally, based on what was acceptable on television at the time, Boner was the only worse name. Big Pussy came a few years later on HBO but man, Boner was it for years.
So he was saddled with the name Boner, and he had to work alongside Kirk Cameron. In case you didn’t know, Kirk Cameron is actually as mad as a hatter. He randomly found God one day on the set of Growing Pains and then forced producers to change the show to suit his new-found Christian beliefs. Nothing was to be offensive in his eyes. He got an actress fired from the show because she posed nude in real life. The show was cancelled because that’s fucking insane. And what happened to Boner? Out with the laundry.
Word is Koenig has been severely depressed, but hopefully that’s just because he was forced to watch curling or something at the Winter Olympics and, sometime soon, he’ll turn up again and star in some kind of mockumentary on the life of Kirk Cameron. And he’ll appear as the Joker.
